A Series of Strange Events II
by MISS.SUNNYBAUDELAIRE
Summary: The Baudelaires and Quagmires have finally arrived at their new home. Uncle Monty's house. What do you think Uncle Monty's like? Do you like him? Do you think the kids like him? Find out the answers to all your questions in: The Rebellious Reptiles.Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**ARRRRE YOOOOOOU READYYYYY?!?!?!?!**

'**Cause I'm not. Just kidding! I am! …Sort of…**

**Ever tried typing with music when you're alone? Makes you type faster. :)(:**

**Reviewers to thank from chapter 13 from A Series of Strange Events:**

**TheBaudelaireOrphan (:**

**Silena Baudelaire (:**

**Luv ya's! (Hi Katrina!)**

**Disclaimer: You know I should really stop making my author's notes really long because it'll just take up too much time from you reading the story. And if you ever think about reading the first story again, then you will have to start on Chapter 7 because everything there is FAIL. To me. So I might as well to get to the point: I DON'T ASOUE! The only thing I own is…is…HI!**

**A Series of Strange Events II:**

**Chapter 1:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

Snicket: (sings) What you got, boy, is hard to find!

Me: …ok…that's not weird at all…

Snicket: AHH! What are you doing here?!

Me: I work here…well it's not really work since its quite fun! But still…

Snicket: But, but, but, I thought you were on break from your first story!

Me: I _WAS _on break. _WAS._

Snicket: Oh. Well then…COMING MOM!!!!

Me: (is confused) alright then… Enjoy the story!!

* * *

"Can we _please_ get out now?!" Violet begged Mr. Poe. IT MADE Duncan jump. Right out of his daydream.

"We're already here?" Duncan asked, surprised.

"We've been here for SIX _HOURS. _But Mr. Poe here won't let us out," Quigley answered.

"Whoa," Duncan started, "We've been here for six hours? That was sooome daydream…" Duncan began smiling dreamily and slipped back into his daydream.

Isadora raised one eyebrow, then said, rather yelled, "MR. POE!!"

Mr. Poe jumped. Right out of his nap, "Did you really need to yell, Isadora? Inside voice please."

Isadora rolled her eyes. Klaus said, "But, Mr. Poe, we've been sitting in this car for six hours. It's night outside. So can you _please_ unlock the doors and let us out?"

"Really? It's been six hours already? Whoa…that was sooome nap…" Mr. Poe said smiling dreamily while staring at himself in the rearview mirror of the car.

Bet you're wondering why they didn't wake him up. Let's just say that they gave up on that 3 hours ago. They had just now reached their breaking point.

Bet you're also wondering why they didn't unlock the car themselves. Let's just say Mr. Poe's big fat arm was on the button to unlock it, and they couldn't lift it.

"That's not the point!" Violet yelled, getting more frustrated by the second, "We want out! That's the point!"

Duncan's daydream has just finally finished and decided to freak out as well. He began leaning on the door and beating the window yelling, "Help! I want out!"

Mr. Poe unlocked the doors. Quigley pulled the handle of the door Duncan was leaning on to where it opened. Duncan fell outside.

Ha Ha.

It's a good thing Sunny moved from Duncan's lap to Violet's lap during the first hour. She must've known he was going to do something stupid sooner or later.

Such a smart baby.

"Ow!" Duncan yelled. Everyone laughed. Including me. Wouldn't you?

"Quigley! Your own brother! Wait till the Quagmire Punctillio hears about this!" Duncan threatened.

"It's '_The Daily Punctillio'_, Duncan," Klaus corrected.

Duncan shook his head, "Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. You have a lot to learn. By that I mean, '_The Daily Punctillio_' is lying selfish scam newspaper! The '_Quagmire Punctillio' _is a newspaper that I made in my notebook. And _this _newspaper seeks the truth!"

Mr. Poe leaned over to Klaus and said, "He's needs a little _tweaking _in the brain."

* * *

At the door…

Mr. Poe knocked on the door.

A strange man with gray hair and a snake around his neck opened the door,

"The Baudelaires and the Quagmires! Hello, Violet! Remember me? Of course not, you were a baby the last time I saw you. Klaus! We never met! How do you do? And Sunny. Oh, Sunny, you look so much like your mother. Quigley and Duncan! Look at how much you've grown! Quigley with the eyes of your mother, and Duncan, your father. Isadora, the youngest triplet. A close resemblance of your mother, but your father's dark hair!"

Through this quite long dialogue, the children were squinting their eyes. I would've too. He was cheery. Too cheery.

"And me, Mr. Montgomery?" Mr. Poe asked fixing his jacket.

Mr. Montgomery looked at Mr. Poe, "Have you gained weight? Because you're as fat as ever."

Mr. Poe smiled, blushed, and said, "Why yes, I have. Well children, time for me to leave now. Good-Bye!"

Mr. Poe pushed the reluctant orphans inside the house and left.

"Well children, I am Montgomery Montgomery, and I raise and study some of the most rebellious reptiles in the world. In fact, I raise and study _**ALL**_ of the rebellious reptiles in the world. Last night, my frog Jack snuck out to go to a bar…Anyways, you can call me Uncle Monty," Uncle Monty said with a cheerful voice. Too cheerful.

Duncan began to dislike Uncle Monty because he hasn't let Duncan say anything yet.

"Can I say something please?" Duncan asked, trying to keep calm.

"Yes, of course," Uncle Monty answered.

"Can you shut up?" Duncan asked. I'm just kidding. Duncan never said that- but he wanted to. Instead he said: "Why is there a snake around your neck?"

"What? What do you mean? OH! You mean Petunia! Yes, Petunia! She thinks I'm a tree. She is always climbing on me. Twisting and turning. You know, Petunia is a very rare snake. She came from…" Uncle Monty continued about his snake.

Duncan smacked his forehead, regretting he even asked.

As you can probably tell, Uncle Monty is a talker. He will never shut up.

After about 15 minutes of his talking, Uncle Monty finally finished with, "…and that is why I believe tomatoes are a vegetable."

Do not ask me how he got on to tomatoes.

Klaus gave him a thumbs up and a fake smile.

"So I got a question," Uncle Monty bent down to the children's height and asked, "Do you want to have a slumber party in my basement?"

The Baudelaires and Quagmires looked at each other and instantly knew what each other's first judgement of Uncle Monty was: Talker, someone I will most likely dislike.

**Like it, love it, hate it, flame it, tell me! Sorry for such a long chapter, when it comes straight from the brain to the keyboard, its most likely gonna be long. (: So do me favor and press that cute little button down there! Unless you're reading this about, oh, I don't know, let's say, 5 years from 2010. Then it really wouldn't matter.**

**Review!**

**;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 is here!!**

…**my shirt smells like Febreze (Febreze music plays in the background)…X)**

**Reviewers to thank from Chapter 1:**

**TheBaudelaireOrphan**

**SilenaBaudelaire**

**Furrtwo**

**Disclaimer: I felt like I was procrastinating everyday I didn't work on this, so now while I have nothing to do, I work on it!! Yay!!! *Piece of bread falls inside keyboard* ****Nooooooooo! Just read and I'll get it out…By the way, I don't own ASOUE…**

**A Series of Strange Events II:**

**Chapter 2:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

Snicket: (singing) We're painting the roses red. We're painting the roses red!

Me: No we're not. I'm typing and you're coloring a picture of a rose with a red crayon.

Snicket: Must you ruin my dreams?!

Me: Your dream? Of doing what?! Your _coloring_!

Snicket: My dream of painting a rose red.

Me: Just go and _buy_ some red paint and a white rose and paint it! Gaw…

Snicket: You just made my dream come true…EEHEEHEE!! (runs off to buy red paint and a white rose.

Me: Oh wow. What am I going to do with him? Anyways…here's Chapter 2!

* * *

After dinner, the Baudelaires and Quagmires found themselves in their Uncle Monty's basement. Having a sleepover. Watching Transformers 2 with hot Coca-Cola. Uncle Monty had nothing to drink. All he had was Coke.

You know, the movie might of actually been good if Uncle Monty hadn't been talking the whole time.

When the movie was over, Duncan was ready behind Uncle Monty, holding a wooden spoon. Ready to strike. In case you don't understand, he was about to hit Uncle Monty in the head with a wooden spoon.

Just before Duncan could strike him, Klaus grabbed the wooden spoon and yelled, "No, Duncan!"

Uncle Monty turned around, "Klaus, why are you holding a wooden spoon?"

"I found Sunny with it, biting it, and I took it away from her," Klaus lied.

"But you said 'No, Duncan!'" Duncan corrected.

"No I didn't," Klaus said, shaking his head slightly hoping that Duncan would get the point.

"Yeah you did. And you took the wooden spoon away from me, not Sunny," Duncan corrected again.

"I'ma whack you in the head, Duncan, if you don't shut up," Klaus threatened with the wooden stick.

"He took it away from Sunny, Uncle Monty!" Duncan said quickly.

"But then who took the wooden spoon away from Duncan?" Uncle Monty asked.

"I did, Uncle Monty. Klaus and Duncan got confused, which isn't surprising," Violet lied.

"Mm. Well, all this confusion is making me sleepy. Good night!" Uncle Monty said. He grabbed his teddy bear and quickly fell asleep. But, as strange as it is, he started talking in his sleep.

The Baudelaires and Quagmires knew they weren't going to get any sleep down there. "Guest room?" Isadora asked.

"Totally," said Sunny in her baby voice.

It wasn't that hard to find the two guest bedrooms. They were the only rooms NOT covered in posters of words.

* * *

The next morning, two of the Baudelaires and two of the Quagmires woke up to find they couldn't find the third sibling. After 10 minutes of searching, Uncle Monty called them into the living room.

" I found _these_ two," Uncle Monty started, "in the bathroom making a phone call for the police. Any explanations?"

"Duncan! Dang it, Duncan, what's wrong with you?" Quigley asked, frustrated.

"gabbagabba," Sunny said, shrugging her shoulders.

"She said she doesn't know what is going on," Violet translated.

"Of course she doesn't!" Duncan started, "I went to the kitchen to get some breakfast and saw her sitting on the counter. Do NOT ask me how she got up there. Then I saw a GIANT snake in the kitchen sink! I picked her up and ran! That's it I swear!"

"First of all, the snake is not a GIANT snake, " Uncle Monty started, holding up a 5 inches long and centimeter thick snake, "Second of all, why did you run from a completely harmless snake?"

"Duncan's deathly afraid of snakes," Isadora said smirking.

"I'm not DEATHLY afraid, gosh Isadora!" Duncan yelled.

"Never mind this nonsense," said Uncle Monty, "Children, go get changed. Today, I'm taking you all to the Reptile Room!" he finished excitedly.

"Ooooo!" said everybody. Except Duncan, he said, "Eh…"

Don't get me wrong, he liked reptiles- it's just that snakes scare him enough to jump and run as far as he can.

Got it! I got the bread that fell in the keyboard!! Woohoo!

**Anywho…you like? Tell me in your review! I don't know what I think about it. I haven't read over it yet. Review please! ****(:**

**Just read over it and I do not like it. Bu then again I'm on the page wheer you edit it. And since it took me so much time, I'll just save it anyways. *click!***

**;)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry took me so long! But here you go! **

**Reviewers to thank from Chappie 2:**

**TheBaudelaireOrphan**

**Oneoftheseven**

**SilenaBaudelaire**

**Lovely SOS**

**Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE! What do you want from me?**

**A Series of Strange Events II:**

**Chapter 3:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

The orphans and Uncle Monty were finally ready and were about to enter the Rebellious Reptile Room. Wow, that's a mouthful. Try saying 'Rebellious Reptile Room' 5 times fast.

Anyways…they were about to enter the Rebellious Reptile Room, when Duncan began to demand to have breakfast. Uncle Monty sighed and walked slowly back to the kitchen.

"What do you want to eat?" Uncle Monty asked.

"Hmm…" Duncan began rummaging through the refrigerator, throwing out everything in sight.

"OOO! Coconut Cream Pie!" Duncan yelled at his new discovery.

"Cake," Uncle Monty corrected.

"Coconut Cream Pie, Coconut Cream Cake, what's the difference? Don't start Klaus!" Duncan yelled at Klaus. Klaus had had his right index finger in the air, ready to speak. But…you know what happened.

It took twenty minutes for everyone to settle down at the table and eat their Coconut Cream Cake. Why?

Because Sunny kept biting Uncle Monty really hard on the foot whenever he started talking. Eventually, Violet said, "Quigley, hold Sunny."

He responded, "No way! She bites! And she bit me enough on the ride here…"

"Fine, you take her, Duncan," Violet said.

"Sure! I love people who bite people for a hobby! But why can't Klaus get her?"

"First of all, you make no sense, second, he's too busy staring at your sister. Now take her!"

So Duncan got her. That alone took five minutes.

Then another problem occurred. Uncle Monty couldn't find any of his knives to cut the cake. The search took ten minutes. They heard a girl scream upstairs. Everyone rushed to the area. All but two, Duncan and Isadora, were surprised to see the scream had come from Quigley. He was huddled against a door. The surprised people raised one eyebrow. Apparently he was screaming because he found the knives in a quite large tortoise's mouth (The blades on the outside).

"He has a deathly fear of tortoises," Isadora whispered to Violet.

Apparently, everyone else heard. Everyone but Duncan said," Ohhhh…"

It too Uncle Monty's two minutes to get the knives out of it's mouth without cutting himself.

When they all settled into the kitchen, Sunny began calling Duncan 'Uncle Duncan'.

Duncan held Sunny up in the air and said, "You're a strange baby, you know that?"

Then Sunny began bouncing up and down in his hands saying over and over, "Uncle Duncan! Uncle Duncan!"

It took about a minute to shut her up.

After that Uncle Monty began cutting the cake. First he cut Violet's piece. Then Isadora's.

"Haha, mine's bigger than yours!" Violet yelled to Isadora, even though they were right next to each other.

"No isn't!" Isadora argued.

Then they got an argument over whose piece was larger. It took another minute to get them settle down.

The last problem of these twenty minutes, were the seating arrangements. When they all sat down a big commotion went on.

Sunny, who was sitting between Violet and Klaus, wanted to next to 'Uncle Duncan'. Isadora, who was between Quigley and Duncan, wanted to sit next to Klaus. Klaus who was sitting between Sunny and Quigley, wanted to sit next to Isadora. Violet who was sitting between Uncle Monty and Sunny, wanted to sit next to Quigley. Quigley, who was sitting between Klaus and Isadora, wanted to sit next to Violet. And Duncan, who was sitting between Isadora and unfortunately Uncle Monty, wanted to sit next to Klaus also.

Eventually, it was Uncle Monty, and to his right, Quigley, Violet, Isadora, Klaus, Duncan, Sunny, and back to Uncle Monty.

While they were eating, Uncle Monty, "You children are quite exhausting. Did you know that? I'm sweating, and it's only been twenty minutes."

"Oh yeah," Quigley said, "the author person used to tell us that all the time before our parents died."

"Author person?" Uncle Monty asked, "I assure, there is no such thing as an 'Author Person'."

Sure there is, I'm right here.

Uncle Monty screamed, "Ahh! Who are you?"

Don't pay attention to me, I'm just here. Seriously.

"Ok…well children. In ten days, we'll be leaving for Peru…" Uncle Monty began talking about the wonders of Peru.

The children didn't pay attention. Sunny didn't like the cake, it was too soft. So she chewed it with her spoon in her mouth. Problem solved! Duncan was staring in space, smiling. Klaus was listening to Isadora make couplets out of nowhere. Quigley was saying 'G' over and over. Violet was thinking of an invention to shut up Uncle Monty.

Uncle Monty was still going though, he thought the children were actually listening, "…I had to hire assistant though. Gustav, my top assistant, left an unexpected letter of resignation for me just yesterday. The new assistant I hired is an Italian man named Stephano, but he won't arrive for another week or so. And I am way behind on preparations for the expedition. Somebody has to make sure all the snake traps are working, so I don't hurt any of our specimens…"

The last sentence was where Violet began listening.

"…Somebody has to read up on the terrain of Peru so we can naigate through the jungle without trouble."

And that was where Klaus listened.

"And somebody has to slice an enormous length or rope into small workable pieces."

And that was where Sunny began listening.

"I'm interested in mechanics," Violet said, "so I would love to learn about snake traps."

"I find guidebooks," Klaus said, "so I would love to read up on the Peruvian terrain."

"Eojip!" Sunny shrieked.

Violet translated, "She said, 'I would be thrilled to bite an enormous rope into small workable pieces!'"

"Wonderful!" Uncle Monty shouted. And they jumped in the air and high-fived each other while shouting, "Yeah!"

When they got back in their seats, Uncle Monty asked, "So what are you triplets good for?"

"Oh, we're not good for anything," said Quigley.

"Yeah, we just need a place to freeload in peace," said Duncan.

Isadora nodded and said, "True story."

"Ok!" Uncle Monty cried, "Well we'd better get started. No time like the present! That's what I always say!"

They walked back to the Reptile Room. What they saw when they entered was fascinating.

The Reptile Room was made entirely out of glass, with bright clear walls and a high glass ceiling that rose up to a point like the inside like a cathedral. Outside the walls was a bright green field of grasses and shrubs which was of course perfectly visible and outside at the same time.

When Duncan saw all this, he stared with giant anime eyes, his hands folded.

But as remarkable as the room itself was, what was inside the room was much more exciting. Reptiles were scattered around the room in their metal cages. There were all sorts of snakes, lizards, toads, and other animals the children had never seen before.

There was a very fat toad with sunglasses with wings in its back. On each wing was a large gold necklace that said 'Bling' and was covered in diamonds.

There was also a two-headed lizard with dark sunglasses. It had 'Chingstah' written all over it's body. It had its arms crossed and was doing some fancy footwork.

There was a snake that had three heads. Each one had a gangsta hat on and each head was nodding.

There was a lizard that looked like a pro-wrestler, with muscles everywhere.

And there was a toad with a gangster hat on, dark sunglasses, a large gold chain that said 'BIG CHAIN', and it had gold bracelets and gold rings. The toad had a stereo in it's cage and was doing flips and stuff.

"THIS IS SO COOL!" Violet shouted at the top of her lungs to where it echoed.

"Yes it is," Uncle Monty said, "It's taken me a lifetime to put together."

Uncle Monty began giving a tour. Apparently, it had a library in the back.

Duncan spotted a large cage that covered a whole wall in the back of the room. It was completely covered with a large cloth.

"HEY! UNCLE-" Duncan shouted…and was interrupted.

"Shh! Don't yell so loud!" Uncle Monty criticized.

"You didn't tell that to Violet," protested Duncan.

"She didn't yell as loud as you did. Now, what do you want?"

"What's in that cage over there?"

Uncle Monty's face lit up, "That my dears, is a new snake which I brought over from my last journey. Gustav and myself are the only ones to have seen it. It's the only reptile in this room that is not rebellious. Next month I will present it to the Herpetological Society center as a new discovery, but in the meantime, I will allow you to look at it. Gather 'round."

The children locked arms and skipped to the cloth covered cage. It was quite difficult because Duncan kept tripping and Quigley kept stepping on Klaus's toe, but they made it. They stood in line in front of the cage.

With a grand smile on his face, Uncle Monty pulled a rope which lifted the cloth.

"OOO…" everyone said, except Duncan, he was just staring at it.

"And what's this cutie's name?" Violet asked in a tone that you would talk like to a baby.

"The Incredibly Deadly Viper," Uncle Monty said, still smiling.

"Oh," she said, but it sounded more like "Ew."

Inside the cage was a large thick snake. It's dark black skin was darker than night itself, and it had bright green eyes.

"Are you children not scared?" Uncle Monty asked confused.

"Nope," said violet.

"Not really," said Klaus.

"Burndeful," said Sunny. Which probably meant 'No'

"Not really," said Quigley.

"No," said Isadora.

"YES!" Duncan shouted, "GET IT AWAY!"

"Duncan!" Uncle Monty shouted, "What did I tell you about yelling?"

"To not to do it…" Duncan voice trailed off.

All of a sudden, with one flick of it's tail, the snake unlatched the door of its cage and stuck it's head out. Before anyone could say or do anything, the Incredibly Deadly Viper bit Sunny right on the chin.

**Yes, yes I know. We ALL know what happened next. But the outcome in this story may be somewhat different.**

**Sorry it took so long for me to upload. It's been almost _IMPOSSIBLE_ for me to get on the computer.**

**So…review?**

**;)**


	4. Chapter 4

**You know what? I am going to try to upload sooner. And if I don't, yell and scream at me until I do, because I feel guilty. So here you go!**

**Reviewers to thank from Chapter 3:**

**Oneoftheseven**

**TheBaudelaireOrphan**

**XxDevil_x_GirlxX**

**sprstrz**

**JulietInLoveButNotWithRomeo**

**Disclaimer: I don't own ASOUE unfortunately….*sniff sniff*…**

**A Series of Strange Events II: **

**Chapter 4:**

**Book 2:**

Sorry about that…haha…didn't mean to leave you like that, but my Pokemon show was on and I had to leave early…so yeah…anyways!

Once the Incredibly Deadly Viper bit Sunny, pandemonium broke out. Duncan was running around the room shouting, "SUNNY'S DEAD! DEAD!"

Quigley kept poking Sunny to see when her skin would go cold and pale.

Isadora was holding up her fingers in front of Sunny's eyes yelling, "How many fingers, Sunny? HOW MANY?"

Klaus was yelling in Sunny's ear, "CAN YOU HEAR ME, SUNNY?"

And Violet was hyperventilating, because _she_ could've gotten bitten instead of Sunny!

Uncle Monty was just standing there smiling, hands behind his back, watching calmly.

For his enjoyment, he watched them for about…seven minutes.

Then he shouted, "Alright, children, I should confess! The Incredibly Deadly Viper is NOT deadly!"

"Then why is it called the Incredibly Deadly Viper?" Violet asked, glaring.

"Because my colleagues are always making fun of me. Always saying, 'Hello Hello Montgomery Montgomery!' and 'How are you how are you Montgomery Montgomery?' But at this year's conference, I'm going to get back at them with this prank! 'Colleagues!' I'll say, 'I would like to introduce to you a new species, the Incredibly Deadly Viper, which I found in the southwest forest of-my goodness! It's escaped!' And then, when all my fellow herpetologists have jumped up on chairs and tables and are shrieking with fear, I'll tell them that the snake wouldn't hurt a fly! Won't that be hysterical?"

Violet crossed her arms and mumbles, "I asked you why you named it that, not your whole life story."

Klaus began doing flips around the room, "YAY! SUNNY'S NOT GOING TO DIE! We need her to bite people. YAY!"

"Yeah…sure…"Isadora said while watching Duncan do the Tango with Sunny.

"Duncan, you're going to hurt her! And if not that, traumatize her!" Quigley yelled.

No one noticed yet but Uncle Monty was still talking about how funny it was going to be.

"Quick," Violet says, "let's sneak out of here and raid the refrigerator in the attic!"

"How do you know there's a refrigerator in the attic?" Quigley asked.

"I've decided that I want to be a detective too, and went sleuthing last night."

"Sweet! Can I interview you for my newspaper?" Duncan exclaimed.

Violet looks at him weird, "Sure…"

"Well let's go before he notices we're ditching him!" Isadora said while jogging backwards.

The others followed her.

* * *

The week that passed was…well…eh. The kids didn't really like Uncle Monty that much. He seriously had some talking issues. They liked doing what they were talented at, but they didn't like the fact that Uncle Monty would stand in front of them and do nothing but talk. The children would end up talking amongst themselves, and Uncle Monty would just continue to talk…and talk…and talk.

The only thing they liked about him was that he took them to the movies every evening.

Just incase you're wondering, every night, they would either watch Percy Jackson or The Sorcerer's Apprentice…they became obsessive…

One morning, they all tripped down the steps and went sprawling across the kitchen floor.

"HEY, A NOTE!" Duncan shouted and pointed to the refrigerator.

They all rushed to the refrigerator and squeezed together to read it. Except for Sunny, they forgot all about her. She had to climb onto Violet's head to read it.

The children were pushing each other to get to the letter. Duncan ended up snatching up the letter from the refrigerator, walked away from the rest of the group and began reading it aloud:

" '_Thinking about her. Thinking about me. Thinking about us, what we're going to be. Open my eyes, and yeah, it was only just a dream.' _What is this? A love letter? Uncle M. has gone super crazy!"

Klaus snatched the letter from Duncan, "You're reading it upside down!" Klaus turned the letter right side up and began reading the real letter:

" '_Dear Bambini,_

_I have gone into town to buy a few last things we need for the expedition: Peruvian wasp repellent, toothbrushes, canned peaches, a pet duck, dust, grammar books, and a fireproof canoe. It will take a while to find the peaches, so don't expect me back until dinnertime._

_Stephano, Gustav's replacement, will arrive today by taxi. Please make him feel welcome. As you know, it is only two days until the expedition, so please work very hard today. Oh, and before I forget, I have a series of snakes in the backyard. Please pick them up and put them in their cages in the Reptile Room._

_Your giddy uncle,_

_Monty '"_

Klaus looked at everyone else, "Gosh, even when he's writing a letter, he still won't shut up."

Violet nodded. She didn't even notice Sunny had tied Violet's hair around her small body.

"What does 'giddy' mean? It sounds…weird…" Quigley asked.

"It means dizzy and excited," Klaus answered.

"What's he excited about?" Quigley asked.

Isadora crossed her arms, "Buying dust."

"Why did he call us 'Bambi'? We're not deer!" Duncan cries.

"Did we not go over that? It means children," Violet said.

"Well Bambi was a child deer!" Duncan yelled.

"That's a fawn," Klaus said.

Duncan got a confused look on his face, "What's a fawn?"

"Hey guys," Quigley starts, "do you think we should start on getting those snakes inside?"

"We could," Violet starts, "or we could have a," she turned the radio on, "DANCE PARTY!"

Everyone liked that idea better than snakes, so they all stared dancing.

* * *

An hour before dinnertime, Sunny was break-dancing on the counter, and everyone else was doing crazy random stuff that no one can really describe.

In mid-dance, the doorbell rang.

"Hey! It's a harbinger!" Quigley shouted.

"Let's go answer the harbinger, guys!" Klaus shouted. (He was hyper off some unidentified object he found in the refrigerator in the attic.)

Klaus swung the door open and it hit him in the face, he fell backwards.

Everyone looked down at him.

"Dummy," Duncan said quietly.

"Hello midgets," said a random hobo with a weird accent that was standing on the front porch.

Some other random dude came behind him and held his hand out, "Dude, like, give me a tip."

"No! For the last time, I will NOT give you a tip! You infinite imbecile!" the hobo yelled without an accent.

"Well don't be so hurtful," the random dude said, and walked away.

Fifteen seconds passed.

"Well! Are you going to let me in or not?" the hobo yelled.

"Sorry, no creepy adults allowed," Isadora said and slammed the door.

"You guys! I think that was Stephano! Uncle Monty said to make him feel welcome!" Klaus exclaimed. He opened the door.

"Do come inside, Sir Stephano," Klaus gestured him inside.

"Thank you midg-" Stephano started, but Klaus pushed him outside again and shouted, "See ya sucker!" Klaus slammed the door and the children went on with their partying.

**

* * *

**

**Dinnertime**

The children, Stephano, and Uncle Monty were all in the living room. The children were sitting on the couch with the two adults standing in front of them and glaring at them.

"I cannot believe you children! You slammed the door in poor Stephano's face! Twice! What has gotten into you children? Do you think you can just shut people out of this house? You didn't even get the snakes! Were you- what Duncan?" Uncle Monty…yelled…scolded…asked…you get it.

Duncan, who had his hand raised, said, "Just to answer you question about what got into us, the music got into us. You can't fight the music! Woo!" He started running around the room.

It took a while to calm him down and get him seated again.

When they did, Uncle Monty said to Stephano, "Stephano, you may order these children around to make up for what they did. I am sorry for…"

I zoned out while he was talking, so I didn't quite get what he said. It's quite exhausting listening to him talk.

Stephano had to interrupt him, "Ok…yeah…I GET IT! Midget monkeys, carry my suitcases to my room. Let's go!"

When they were all standing outside of Stephano's new room, Stephano went off his accent and said, "Hello orphans, glad to see me?"

"Do we know you?" Isadora asked.

"Glabberdoofer lankado!" Sunny exclaimed.

"Sunny!" Violet yelled, "We don't say things like that!"

"Do you imbeciles not know who I am?" Stephano asked with confusion.

"Should we?" asked Quigley.

"Am I really going to have to go through with this? I am your enemy who is trying to get you and steal the fortune that your parents-whom I killed-left behind. Now do you remember me?" Stephano asked.

"Nope, don't ring a bell," Duncan said cheerily.

"Wait a second! You're our enemy who is trying to get us and steal the fortune that our parents-whom you killed-left behind!" Violet said loudly, but not exactly a yell.

"Violet, he just said that," Klaus said, frowning.

"Oh, yeah!" Isadora exclaimed, "What was your name again?"

"Crap Oatmeal!" Sunny cried.

Everyone laughed until they were in tears.

"Don't call me that! Ahhh!" Crap Oatmeal screamed. Remember in the last book when I said I'd get back at him? You probably don't, but I just did. I struck him with lightning.

"My name is COUNT OLAF!"

"Are you sure?" Duncan asked, "Because I'm pretty sure it was Crap Oatmeal."

Count Olaf slapped his forehead.

"We're telling Uncle Monty on you!" Violet whined.

Violet picked up Sunny and ran downstairs with Isadora and Quigley.

Duncan and Klaus got a little confused,.

"Wait, what are we doing?" Duncan asked. Klaus shrugged.

The other four children found Uncle Monty reading a book in the kitchen.

"Uncle Monty!" yelled Violet, Quigley and Isadora, "Stephano is our enemy who is trying to get us and steal the fortune that our parents- whom he killed- left behind!"

"What are you children talking about?" Uncle Monty asked confused.

Sunny whispered in Violet's ear her gibberish.

Violet looked behind her back, and so did Isadora and Quigley. By the steps, they saw Olaf holding a pretty bejeweled knife at Duncan and Klaus's necks.

Klaus was staring at the pretty knife in awe and Duncan was attempting to lick it.

Isadora turned back to Uncle Monty, "Uh just an apology song we wrote for Stephano!

_Stephano is our enemy who is trying to get us and steal the fortune that our parents- whom he killed- left behind_!"

Isadora sang her little song in the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb.

Olaf had made his warning. It was most likely that the children wouldn't listen to him, or course, but he made his warning.

**There you have it! Chapter four! Review! And…well…that's it I think…so…yeah…Bye…**

**;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**La la la, here we go with a new chapter everyone! **

**Don't you just love laughing? Can you die laughing? Hmmm…I don't think I want to find out…**

**Reviewers to thank!:**

**JulietInLoveButNotWithRomeo**

**Sprstrz**

**TheBaudelaireOrphan**

**Your reviews are AMAZING!**

**Disclaimer: …As mentioned already in chapters 3, 7, 45, 103, and the prologue part one, I do not own ASOUE. The End. clicks save button WHAT? WHY DID ONLY PART OF MY DISCLAIMER SHOW UP?…*goes on with rampage*…FEAR MY WRATH, COMPUTER! FEAR MY WRATH!…*yeah you get it***

**A Series of Strange Events:**

**Chapter 5:**

**Book 2:**

I haven't heard from Snicket in a while…did something happen to him? Oh well! More typing for me!

That night was the longest night ever. The children were all in their rooms…alone…

Before they all went to bed, as Uncle Monty thought, Violet made a small hole on each of their walls so that they could pass notes. It would start at Klaus's room, then to Violet's room, then Sunny, then Quigley, then Duncan and Isadora…that's one long hallway…

Enough of this serious stuff! Let's get the real story going! And I'm not just saying that because the children are glaring at me because they're tired of not talking! Too bad they won't be speaking for a while because of the notes…

"Aw, come on!" yelled Duncan.

Duncan get back into character!

"…Yes ma'am…"

**

* * *

**

**Two hours later**

The children were discussing on their note weather they should ambush Count Olaf or not.

If you're wondering why, it's because Olaf was being a stalker by walking up and down the hall and it was seriously creeping the kids out.

**

* * *

**

**Ten minutes later**

It was official, they were NOT going to ambush Olaf. Not after what happened to…Little Duncan Quagmire.

Duncan ran out of his room and jumped Olaf, but somehow, Olaf over-powered Duncan and threw him into Uncle Monty's room to be tortured by the words on the walls and the words he was speaking in his sleep. And he was never seen again...ever…for the rest of the night of course but still…never…

On the note:

_Violet: I say we go get Duncan back!_

_Sunny: (bunch of scribbley lines)_

_Quigley: Me too!_

_Isadora: Eh, let him suffer._

_Quigley: Isadora!_

_Isadora: What? His room is so much more cooler than mine…_

Isadora had to sneak into Duncan's room in order to pass the note.

_Quigley: …whatever…_

_Sunny: (scribbley lines)_

_Violet: Klaus, your comments?_

_Klaus: Finally! You all keep hogging the paper! I have thoughts too, you know!_

_Violet: Sunny, your comments?_

_Sunny: (picture of a raccoon eating Count Olaf's head with no mercy)_

_Quigley: Right…Isadora, since you're not going to help us get Duncan back, we'll just think of a plan without you._

_Isadora: Fine by me, as long as I get to snoop around Duncan's room._

_Quigley: Right…you do that._

_Violet: I have a plan!_

_Klaus: Well get on with it, lady!_

_Violet: K, so, here it is:_

The plan failed miserably. The plan was to send one person out of the room secretly, go into Uncle Monty's room, get Duncan back, and sneak back in their room. They all got caught and were sent back to their rooms with locks on their doors that Count Olaf had made especially for them…he's strange.

_Violet: I can't believe my plan didn't work!_

_Sunny: (picture of T-Rex with half of Count Olaf's body in his mouth)_

_Quigley: Well, actually, I'm not sure how well that plan was thought through…_

_Isadora: HAHA! YOU GUYS TOTALLY, LIKE, __FAILED!_

_Sunny: (picture of Count Olaf being chased by a cute puppy with no mercy)_

_Violet: Shut up you guys! I thought it out good! It was FOOLPROOF!_

_Klaus: You want the truth, Vi?_

_Violet: Yeah._

_Klaus: It was the stupidest plan ever! You are not the plan maker anymore because that plan was so LAME!_

_Violet: Well can you think of a better one?_

_Klaus: Yup! I have one right now!_

His plan was amazingly successful, but it took _forever_ to get Duncan back. It was morning by the time they got him in his room.

The Plan: They had to crawl out their windows, climb to the roof walk to the other side of the house on the roof, get Violet to carefully open up Uncle Monty's window, look for Duncan (he was hiding under the floorboards to see if it would drown out the sounds of Uncle Monty), and go back to their windows. Looking for Duncan took the most amount of time, though.

Once Duncan was back in his room in the morning, Count Olaf unlocked the doors. The children went to the Reptile Room because they had a hunch that they were supposed to do something there, but they couldn't remember what.

"Remember in the hallway, when the author person gave us clear instructions on what we were supposed to do down here?" asked Quigley.

"Yeah," said everyone else.

"What were those clear instructions?"

Everyone else shrugs.

Violet looked at The Incredibly Deadly Viper, then Stephano, then Duncan.

Then she yelled, "STEPHANO! DUNCAN ATE YOUR PRETTY BEJEWLED KNIFE!"

"WHAT?"

Stephano began chasing Duncan around the room, both of them screaming. Only Stephano was screaming with anger and Duncan with horrifying terror.

Violet ran up to Uncle Monty, "Uncle Chatter Bo-I mean Monty! Stephano is actually a snake eater! And I over heard him talking to one of his comrades last night, saying that he was going to eat your new snake!"

Klaus poked Violet's arm, "Violet, I don't think that was what we were supposed to say."

"SHUT UP, KLAUS! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO HAVE A MOMENT HERE?"

Klaus's eyes went wide and his ears were ringing from Violet's loud voice.

Isadora began patting his back and pushed him to the side to stand next to Violet, "Yeah, Klaus, just don't say anything…You know how she gets when she has no sleep…"

Quigley goes and stands next to Violet's other side, "I think what she means is: STEPHANO IS A CRIMINAL NAMED COUNT OLAF WHO IS OUT TO _GET US_! So if you could please rid of him, that would be amazing..."

"Ah, I think I know what you children are getting at!" Uncle Monty said.

The children (except for Duncan because he was still being chased) went all close up on Uncle Monty's face with anime eyes and big smiles, "You do?"

"Yes, of course! You're trying to warn me about Stephano, who is actually a spy sent by my stepbrother, Honolulu Honolulu - who has always been jealous of me - to steal The Incredibly Deadly Viper, go to the Herpetology Society, and pass it off as his own to become rich and famous. Of course he knows that that was what I always wanted, so of course he would try to steal the one thing that would make my dream come true! Thank you children for bringing me proof of this situation!"

The Baudelaires' and Quagmires' jaws dropped down to the ground and they had little frustration signs on their heads.

"We never brought you proof!" Isadora yelled.

"And I said he was going to eat your snake, not steal it!" yelled Violet.

"And I said he was out to get us! Did you not hear our screaming?" yelled Quigley.

"Hey, where's Sunny?" asked Klaus.

"Oh my gosh," Violet yelled, "if Olaf stole her and put her in another tower, I am going to smack him so hard and so many times that he is gonna wish that he never messed with me again!"

Klaus hugged her, "You _doooo _care about your siblings!"

"Yeah…and also because I hate it when people repeat stuff…but I guess that too…"

"Sunny's over there playing with the new snake," Isadora pointed out.

"Ohhh…" Violet and Klaus said.

"Enough of this blabbering on!" Uncle Monty ordered, "You children talk way too much for me."

He began walking out of the Reptile Room, "Stephano, come! We have much work to do!"

Stephano immediately started following him, somehow holding his pretty bejeweled knife.

Duncan came back shaking. "Evil psychopath chasin' me around the room…"

Klaus ran up to him before Duncan could reach them, "Hey, Duncan. I can make you mad in the next three seconds."

"Try me," Duncan said.

"Uncle Monty said we talk too much for him."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Duncan ran to the bookshelves and began throwing books on the floor. He gave up on that and began pushing the bookshelves down.

When he was down, he stood there…panting.

Quigley walked up to him and touched his shoulder, "Dun-AHH!"

Duncan flipped him.

Haha.

**

* * *

**

**3:37 in the morning**

Uncle Monty woke the orphans up and brought them into the living room.

Duncan was rubbing his eyes, holding a blue blanket, and a teddy bear. Klaus was clutching a book to his face. Violet was chewing gum while holding a stuffed panda bear, Quigley was trying to punch an imaginary person, Isadora was trying to NOT fall over and Sunny was biting the ears off her teddy bear.

"What do you want, Uncle Monty?" Violet asked.

"It's 3:00 am, and Quigley's going mental," Duncan said.

"I brought you children down here to show you this," Uncle Monty said.

He took out a ticket and ripped it into pieces.

"That's nice," Isadora said, "Come on, everyone. Back to bed."

"Wait!" Uncle Monty said. "Don't you want to know why I did that?"

"Not really," said Klaus.

"Alright, stop begging, I'll tell you!"

The kids exchanged looks. Except for Quigley He was still trying to knock out his imaginary person.

"That was Stephano's ticket. He is not going to Peru with us."

"Yay," Violet cheered with fake enthusiasm. "Let's celebrate with sleep."

Uncle Monty sighed and went upstairs.

Duncan frowned. "It's official, I despise him more than Count Olaf."

Then they all went to bed.

**There's Chapter 5! Yay! Review and tell me what you think! And…that's kinda it…Bye!**

**;)**


	6. Chapter 6

**And here is Chapter 6! I had some funny stuff planned for this chapter but APPARENTLY it's supposed to come in Chapter 7. Sooo…yeah.**

**Thank you reviewer**

**JulietInLOVEButNotWithRomeo-(I have some stuff planned for Quiglet in Chapter 7, I think you'll like it ****(:****)**

**TheBaudelaireOrphan**

**Disclaimer: Mini Post-It Notes are amazing. That is what I would say if this was an **_Un_**disclaimer…thing. But it's not so…I do not own ASOUE. Getting a little bit sick of saying or typing that or whatever.**

**A Series of Strange Events II:**

**Chapter 6:**

**Book 2:**

Bad circumstances have a way of ruining things that would otherwise be pleasant. So it was the Baudelaires and the Quagmires movie _Zombies in the Snow_. All afternoon, the children had sat and worried in the Reptile Room, under the mocking stare of Stephano and the oblivious—the word "oblivious" here means "not aware that Stephano was really Count Olaf and thus being in a great deal of danger"— chatter of Uncle Monty. So by the time it was evening, the siblings and friends were in no mood for cinematic entertainment.

That whole paragraph that you just read up there, yeah, it's all WRONG.

First of all, I don't even know what the first sentence is about. And _Zombies in the Snow_ has NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS CHAPTER. Also, the children were not worrying in the Reptile Room under the mocking stare of Stephano. The children were fighting in the living room and Stephano was in his room trying to figure out what color Sharpie to use for his Art homework for his art class that he just signed up for. But the oblivious part is true I guess…and Uncle Monty was chattering, but he was chattering to his microwave.

And last but not least, the children actually WERE in the mood for cinematic entertainment. In fact, that's what they were fighting about in the livingroom, over which movie they were going to see.

The boys wanted to see _The Sorcerer's Apprentice_ while the girls wanted to see that Percy Jackson movie, and Sunny wanted to see _Despicable Me_.

Uncle Monty walked into the living room holding his microwave, "Could you children please quiet down? I am trying to have a conversation with my microwave on why it shouldn't use so much energy and should be solar powered!"

"Uncle Monty!" Violet began, "We can't figure out what movie to watch! Quigley, Duncan, Klaus and Sunny won't agree with Isadora and me! And it's getting really frustrating!"

"Well, what does the baby want to see?" Uncle Monty asked.

Isadora answered, "_Despicable Me_."

Uncle Monty called upstairs, "Come along now Stephano! We're going to see _Despicable Me_!"

Olaf came bounding down the steps shouting, "YES! YES! YES!"

He turned to the children in the living room, "In your FACE!"

When Uncle Monty and Olaf walked out the front door, the children, except Sunny, began complaining about the dumb movie. They forgot all about Sunny in their complaining rampage, so Violet had to go back and get her and rush to the car.

* * *

The car pulled into the driveway of Uncle Monty's home after the movie. It was quite funny.

When they all exited the car, Olaf said really quickly, "I must go kill the clean particles in my room!" and he ran straight through the front door, leaving a giant hole, and ran upstairs.

Uncle Monty clapped his hands, "Well, children, it's time for a new front door. OWCHIES!" Right after his comment, something had hit Uncle Monty in the head.

Everyone looked at the ground to see what. It was a pillow.

"Hmm," Uncle Monty hmmed, "I wonder where it came from…"

They all looked up and saw Klaus's window open.

"Klaus!" Uncle Monty scolded, "You should keep your pillows away from your windows! They could hurt someone! I may have a concussion, Klaus! If I have to go to the emergency room and need special treatment, the money is coming out of your fortune!"

Klaus said calmly, "Stephano did it. That is at clear as it's gonna get."

"Don't blame your horrible rubbish on an innocent man, Klaus! It's not polite of you! Now take your pillow back up to your room!" Uncle Monty ordered.

Klaus pouted, "Ok."

"I'll help," said Violet, then Quigley, then Duncan, then Isadora, and then Sunny in her baby language.

They all went up the steps while holding one part of the pillow.

"Did you hear the way Uncle Monty said he was gonna take money out of Klaus's fortune?" Duncan asked as they were walking down the hall to Klaus's room, "I think HE'S the real Count Olaf, and Stephano is just saying he's Count Olaf because he's really Count Olaf's apprentice who is pretending to be Uncle Monty who wants our fortune and believes that he can get it by talking us to death! YES! I GOT IT! GUESS WHAT, VIOLET! I AM A BETTER DETECTIVE THAN YOU ARE! WAIT TILL _THE QUAGMIRE PUNCTILLIO_ HEARS ABOUT THIS!"

They all stopped in front of Klaus's room. Violet said, "Duncan, I think everyone here except you has established that Stephano is really and truly Count Olaf. AND I AM AN _AWESOME_ DETECTIVE!"

"YOU LIAR!" Duncan yelled.

"HOW AM I LYING?" Violet yelled.

"YOU JUST ARE!" Duncan yelled.

Are we seriously going back down this road where everyone yells in Caps Lock all the time? Don't you remember how bad your throats were hurting?

"Yes…" Duncan said quietly.

Ok then. Now go back into character.

"We left it?" Violet asked.

I don't know…just finish the chapter.

So they all went in Klaus's room, tossed the pillow onto Klaus's bed and then walked back into the hall.

"You all know that my pillow was nowhere near the window, right guys?" asked Klaus.

"Right," said Quigley, "Now let's skip to the part where we all spend the night in one room."

* * *

"Why do we have to sleep in Sunny's room?" Isadora complained.

Violet looked at Isadora from inside the closet—she was trying to sleep—and said, "Because Sunny is a stubborn, bratty, baby who is too immature to sleep on an oversized pillow instead of an oversized crib."

"Your just upset because you're not sleeping on the oversized stuffed Elmo!" exclaimed Klaus while lying upside down on an oversized stuffed Elmo.

"SHUT UP KLAUS OR I'LL JUMP ON TOP OF YOU!" shouted Violet.

Klaus backed his Elmo up a little bit. Isadora walked on her knees to him and said, "Yeah, just don't bother her Klaus. You know how she is when she's tired and people won't let her sleep."

"Violet, when are you getting out of the closet?" Duncan asked.

Violet threw a sewing machine at him. She missed his face by three inches.

"Leave her alone, Duncan. She will come out when she's ready," Quigley said.

"You guys are so stupid," Isadora said and crossed her arms.

"Don't encourage her! Let her stay in the closet with all her secrets!" Klaus scolded.

"Would you like one of my secrets in your face, Klaus?" yelled Violet holding up a fist.

"Well, wake me up when all of you are done yelling at each other," said Quigley, pushing everything off a dresser and then climbing onto it.

Silence.

Duncan lifted his head from the floor, "I trust you'll make the right decision, Violet. OW!"

Violet had happily thrown a Little Tikes tambourine at his head.

Duncan rubbed his head, "…Don't got to throw triangles at me…"

"Congratulations," congratulated Klaus, "you have succeeded in making Duncan more stupider than he already was."

Silence.

"I can't sleep," Isadora complained, "let's find out what Olaf's up to."

Violet threw a blanket at her.

Duncan frowned, "So you throw a blanket at her, and a sewing machine at me?"

"That's right," said Quigley with a muffled voice from being facedown on the dresser.

Silence.

Isadora smiled and leaned in Violet's direction, emphasizing on the last word, "It'll be like solving a mystery as a detectiiiive."

In the next second, Violet was at Isadora's side.

"So here's what we know," Violet started, "Count Olaf, calling himself Stephano, has come to this house in disguise and is obviously after the Baudelaire and Quagmire fortune. And once he gets his hands on it, he plans to destroy the world. However, if he harms us, there's no way he can get to our fortune. That's why he tried to marry me last time."

Quigley temporarily lifted his head, "Thank the author that didn't work!" then put his head back down.

"Is that all we have? Is there not anything else?" Isadora questioned.

"There might be the chance that Count Olaf is planning to kill Uncle Monty!" Duncan suggested.

"Why would he do that? Wouldn't he technically be doing us a favor?" Klaus said or whatever, not really sure how to describe it.

"Well, I'm sorry! It was just a suggestion!" Duncan spazzed.

"Well I'm sorry you're so stupid!" Klaus yelled.

They began yelling nonsensical jibberish at each other.

"HEY!" Isadora yelled, "How about we just sleep on this, and we'll try to finish figuring this out in the morning! Now I'm going to my little doggy basket — I'm not really sure what it is — in the corner, and I'm going to sleep! Good night!"

And that's what she did.

Duncan slowly lowered his head, a little scared of his little sister.

Klaus began trying to hide himself with the giant Elmo, terrified of his girlfriend.

Violet just sat there, turning her head back and forth, looking at everyone.

"SLEEP!" she finally yelled and quickly crawled into the closet.

**

* * *

**

**3:36 am**

Count Olaf walked into Sunny's room. He woke up all the orphans —including Sunny, but she went back to sleep a millisecond after.

"What do you want Count Olaf?" Klaus asked sleepily.

Quigley lifted his head, his eyes still closed, "He came to tell us not to suspect anything because he can't get our money if he kills us."

Olaf looked at him weird, "Yeah…that…How did you know?"

Quigley shrugged, "I'm a people person," and he put his head back down.

Olaf frowned, "Anyways, you needn't be afraid of me, little ones, until we find ourselves in a location where crimes are more difficult to trace."

Silence.

"Don't you want to know where?" Olaf asked.

"Where?" Isadora asked in a muffled voice.

"Yeah!" Duncan got up immediately and shook a fist in Olaf's face, "We're staying right here!" and then he quickly lay back down on the floor with his eyes closed.

Olaf looked a little scared, but he said, "Really? I had the impression we were leaving the country tomorrow."

"Yeah, but Uncle M. tore up your ticket," Klaus mumbled, trying to go back to sleep.

"Oh, I wouldn't rely on that. Even the best plans can change if there's an accident. And accidents happen all the time," Olaf said, and he grinned an evil grin.

Duncan looked at Olaf weird, "Why are you smiling like that?"

Olaf's smile quickly disappeared. He turned around and began walking out of the room, "Good night orphans! See you in the morning!" He walked out and shut the door behind him.

Violet was glaring at the wall, "What is with these people and three in the morning! I need my beauty sleep!"

All she got in reply were sleepy moans.

Three seconds later, Violet's eyes went wide and sat up, quickly next to the closet, "You guys! Olaf just gave us two new clues!"

"Like what?" Isadora said, lifting her head.

"He mentioned an accident and heading to a place where crimes are more difficult to trace," Violet said.

"He must mean Peru!" Duncan exclaimed, somewhat more awake than he was before.

"Wow, Duncan," Violet said, "I'd never though I'd say this, but you're right!"

"See that, Klaus? I'm _right_!" Duncan said.

Klaus threw a teddy bear at his face.

"Wait a second!" Duncan exclaimed, "Doesn't make more sense now that Olaf might kill Uncle Monty?"

"Duncan, I really don't feel like throwing anything else, so just shut up," Klaus said all cranky.

"One question," said Quigley, now on his elbows, "Olaf isn't going to Peru. Uncle M. tore up his ticket. Remember?"

"Olaf is sneaky, we'll have to be on our guard," Isadora said.

"He's sneaky, but we're clever!" Violet exclaimed.

"How clever?" Duncan asked.

"Clever enough to figure out a way to get Olaf caught, arrested and out of our lives!" Violet answered.

"Can we figure out in the morning? I'm super tired…" Klaus said, slowly drifting to sleep.

"Yeah," Violet said, and crawled into her closet.

Ten seconds later…

Violet smiled, "I'm smarter than Klaus…"

Klaus threw a piece of the wall at her. He missed.

**

* * *

**

**In the morning**

The six children entered the kitchen in their pajamas.

"Good morning children! Let's hurry up and get a move on! There's only room for the six of you and myself in the car!" Stephano ordered.

"Did we not go over the fact that Uncle Monty tore up your ticket with you?" Klaus asked.

"Nooo…"

"Oh," Klaus said, "Well he did."

"Stupidity," Sunny mumbled. I don't think she knew what she meant.

"Well either way children, your Uncle Monty is not coming!" Olaf said in his dumb accent.

"Yeah right!" Quigley said skeptically, "He would drone on and on and on about this trip!"

"Then go ask him," said Olaf, "He's in the Reptile Room. Go on."

"Ok…" Violet said all suspicious like.

The children began searching for Uncle Monty once they reached the Reptile Room…even though they didn't like him, they looked for him.

"I found him!" Isadora shouted.

They all went to where Isadora was.

Uncle Monty looked like he was in the middle of talking, and then interrupted in the middle of a word and permanetly frozen.

"Is he …dead?" Duncan asked.

"I don't know," Klaus said.

"Pok ti," Sunny said, which probably meant, 'Poke him'.

Violet poked him, he was deathly cold. Uncle Monty was dead.

**Not exactly how I planned to end the chapter, but I guess it'll have to do. I was winging it the whole time…sooo…yeah.**

**Anyways, did you like? Was it funny? Was it boring? Review!**

**Bye!**

**;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Gosh! I'd had some stuff planned for the death of Uncle Monty, but it's supposed to happen in the next chapter! If it has to be in the chapter after that, I am going to be pretty upset!**

**Onwards to the AMAZINGEST reviewers! :**

**TheBaudelaireorphan**

**JulietInLOVEButNotWithRomeo**

**Disclaimer: Happy Holidays:) just thought I'd lighten you up be fore I tell you I DON'T OWN ASOUE! So yeah.**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

**Chapter 7:**

**Book 2:**

"Oh no!" said Count Olaf from behind the children with fake sympathy, "What has happened to our dear Uncle Monty?"

"You killed him?" Klaus exclaimed, "Dude! You are like my best-est buddy now! High-five man!"

Olaf looks at him weird. Then he scoffed fakely and said, "Why, Clause! I though a smarty-pants like you would figure out that it was a snakebite that killed him! Look at those teeth marks just underneath his eye! Can't you tell, boy?"

"Two things," Quigley said, "His name is _Klaus, _not Clause. Second, did you kill him or not, 'cause I'm a little bit confused here."

"I killed him, you idiots!" Olaf yelled.

"SEE? SEE? SEE?" Duncan exclaimed, "I TOLD YOU! BUT NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME! I! AM! _RIGHT_!"

"Right…" said Olaf, "Of course you are, you ugly duckling. Come on children; let's get a move on! We have a ship to catch!"

"It's a ship?" Quigley asked, "I thought it was a plane…"

Violet's eyes went wide, then she said loudly, "Everyone who doesn't have an overly sized large fortune in the bank waiting for them, do NOT huddle up!"

Everyone but Olaf and Monty huddled up. Olaf stood there whistling to himself.

"Why are we huddling up?" asked Isadora.

"Because!" Violet began whispering loudly, "I just realized that Olaf must've killed Monty while we were sleeping! There is a killer in our presence! We can't let him force us to go to Peru!"

"Really? When did you figure this out?" Quigley asked sarcastically.

"Oh, shut up Quigley!" Isadora scolded, "So how do we get away from Olaf?"

"You're asking _her_? We already decided that she's not the plan maker anymore!" Klaus exclaimed in a whisper—like—manner.

"Shut it Klaus! My detective-ness is back in business!" Violet scolded.

"Hey, where's Sunny?" asked Quigley.

Everyone took a glance behind Olaf.

"She playing with that Deadly Viper," Isadora said dully, "Now what's the plan?"

"Ok, so," Violet started, "One will have to stall Olaf—that'll be you, Isadora—two people will have to run upstairs and get ALL our stuff—that'll be you, Klaus and Quigley. While the remaining three—me Duncan and Sunny, except Sunny won't be doing anything— will try to get Uncle Monty's car running without the key because…I watched him bury it!"

"Wait, a minute, if you watched him bury it, then doesn't that mean you know where it's at?" asked a confused Quigley.

"Pretty much," Violet answered sweetly.

"Then why don't we just dig it up just to save us the trouble from-"

"I HAVEN'T FIXED OR INVENTED ANYTHING SINCE WE GOT HERE AND I JUST WANT TO FEEL THE SATISFACTION OF SAVING THE DAY!" Violet yelled not-so-sweetly.

Everyone stared at her, Duncan's eye twitching. Everyone looked back at Olaf to see if he had heard. He was sitting in a chair trying to solve a 3x3 Rubix Cube with that creepy, villianious look on his face that he thinks makes him look villianous, but actually it just makes him looks stupid.

Everyone turned away from him.

Quigley stared at Violet, "Well. It's a lame plan, but it's all we got!"

They all put their hands in the middle and shouted, "Olaf Stinks!"

Then they threw their hands in the air while shouting, "Let's go!"

Violet got Sunny and ran with Quigley, Duncan and Klaus out of the door of the Reptile Room while Isadora kept Olaf's attention on her. "But we can't go yet! There are some major problems I have to take care of!"

"Really?" said Olaf suspiciously, "Like what?"

"Like cleaning the house! Who leaves a house dirty when you're going to Peru? Not famous actors like _you_, Olaf," Isadora said poking Olaf.

"Yes, child, you are right about me being famous, but I simply _loathe _cleaning!"

Olaf began walking towards the door. Isadora stepped in his way, "But what about the evidence that you killed Uncle Monty?"

Olaf pushed her out of the way and said, "I already covered them up."

Isadora stepped in his way again, "But what about food? Without food, HOW DO YOU EXPECT US TO LIVE?"

Olaf pushed her out of the way again and made his way out of the Reptile Room, "We'll get food in Peru! Now stop asking questions! And where are those midget friends of yours?" Olaf kept walking until his right side was facing the steps leading upstairs.

Klaus and Duncan stopped in their tracks on the stairs with all their cheap-not-much-stuff on the steps when they saw Olaf.

Isadora ran and her eyes went wide when she saw Duncan and Klaus about to be spotted by Olaf. She ran in front of Olaf and said, "But what about—"

" 'BUT WHAT ABOUT' NOTHING! DON'T YOU EVER JUST _SHUT UP_?"

Isadora averted her eyes, then looked back at Olaf. "That's classified."

Olaf smacked himself in the forehead.

Duncan and Klaus began to tiptoe behind Olaf and out of the front door.

Olaf began to turn around when Isadora said, "But—"

"BUT WHAT?"

"But," Isadora started, "I haven't packed or brushed my hair, and Olaf, I get _seasick_!"

Isadora emphasized on 'seasick' by clutching her throat.

Olaf ran his hand down his face and said in a normal tone, "I don't know why I don't just go ahead and kill you children."

Isadora made a face.

Olaf continued, "The little voice inside my head keeps telling me to 'Spare the children, forget the money, leave them alone'. But I can barely hear that little voice over the loud voice that keeps yelling 'KILL THE CHILDREN THEN GET THE MONEY!' "

Isadora made another face and looked up at him. "You have a messed up little voice."

Olaf nodded. "Yes, I know. I used to be a regular human being, you see. But my brain messed up when I was young. I was seven at the time and really into baseball…"

Isadora glanced at me pleadingly.

"Are you listening?" Olaf asked.

Isadora looked up and smiled, then looked at me pleadingly again when he continued talking.

I handed her a cardboard cut-out of herself. She put in the spot where she was standing and ran outside.

When Isadora got to the car, she found: Sunny chewing on the gas pedal; Klaus and Quigley doing little cheers for Violet; and Duncan writing down everything she was doing while saying, "Wait till the _Quagmire Punctillio_ hears about _this_!"

"Ok, everyone in!" Violet exclaimed.

When everyone got in the car, Violet said, "Ok, Sunny! Floor it!"

Sunny put all her weight on the gas pedal and the car shot forward.

Violet began abruptly turning the driving wheel from side to side while making racecar noises.

"Wait, where are we going?" Duncan asked.

"I HAVE NO IDEA!" Violet shouted.

"Hey, why don't we look for that really fat banker that says he's in charge of our affairs but is really no help to us at all!" Quigley suggested.

"Ooo! I know who you're talking about! What was his name again?" Klaus asked.

"Foe?" Isadora asked.

"Foam?" Sunny asked, which probably meant "Poe?" but no one paid any attention to her.

"Bow?"

"Doe?"

"Go?"

"Joe?"

"Low?"

"Mow?"

"No?"

"Oh?"

"Quo?"

"Row?"

"Sew?"

"Toe?"

"Voe?"

"Woe?"

"Yo?"

"Zoë?"

"Wait, you guys, I think it's Poe!" Duncan exclaimed.

"No, wait, I got it! It's Pie!"

"That's what it is! Mr. Pie!" Violet yelled happily, "Look there he is in his car driving to Uncle Monty's house right now!"

Sunny put all her weight onto the brakes and the car came to an abrupt stop.

The children got out of the car to greet Mr. Pie.

"Hi, Mr. Pie!" they all shouted.

"What? My name is not Mr. Pie! It's Mr. Poe! Although I would like some pie right now…" said Mr. Poe.

"Dude!" Duncan yelled, "I totally suggested 'Poe'! But no on ever listens to me!"

"Metoo!" yelled Sunny, who was probably agreeing.

All of a sudden, Count Olaf came running up to them.

"Why hello there! You must be Stephano, Uncle Monty's Italian herpetology assistant!" greeted Mr. Poe.

Quigley gave a weird look, "Do you really have to be _that _specific?"

"He's not Stephano, Uncle Monty's Italian assistant!" accused Violet, "He's Count Olaf! Why do you think he wasn't in the car with us?"

"Is this true?" Mr. Poe asked all confused like.

"Well, half of that is true," Olaf lied, "You see, there has been a terrible accident. Poor, poor Uncle Monty has perished by a snake bite."

"Great acting, Olaf!" exclaimed Isadora, "But don't you think it's time to cut the dumb act?"

"Quiet, Sunny, I'm trying to have a conversation with Stephano," said Mr. Poe.

"I'm Isadora."

"Same difference," said Mr. Poe, waving her off, "Now Stephano, would you mind telling me why the children were driving the car and you were chasing them?'

"Didn't I just tell him a couple minutes ago?" Violet asked.

Ignoring Violet, Olaf said, "Why, we were getting a doctor! I sent the children ahead of me so that I could…um…call…a…um…carpet cleaner? Yes! A carpet cleaner! The snake left a horrible mess! And I was merely waving good-bye to the children while running."

Duncan raised his eyebrows, "You talk more than Uncle Monty! You should of snake-bitten yourself!"

"Klaus! Hush!" Mr. Poe yelled.

"I'm Duncan!"

"Whatever!" Mr. Poe said lazily, "So why don't we all walk back to the house and call a doctor! Before I was a banker, I was an Olympic Champion at carpet cleaning!"

Olaf looked at him weird, "Right…but I do insist the children go in the car with me."

Mr. Poe shook his head, "I don't think that would be necessary, the house is about twenty yards away! Why don't we all walk down there while having a nice conversation! It'll be good exercise too!"

Duncan looked at , "Before you snake-bitten, you should've snake-bitten Mr. Poe…"

Olaf pouted, "Fine. Let's walk."

"Are you guys even listening to us?" Klaus exclaimed, "What are we, the rich invisible orphans?"

"Hey, I saw that movie!" Duncan said proudly, which is quite strange because there is nothing to be proud about.

Mr. Poe stopped walking and turned around, "Shh!" then he turned around and continued walking.

The orphans began walking also.

"You know," Quigley began, "Olaf, or Stephano, or whoever should be arrested right now anyways! For one thing, he let a reckless fourteen year old drive!"

"Hey!" yelled an offended Violet, "I'm not fourteen, I'm fourteen and a half!"

Quigley rolled his eyes as they continued walking towards the house that now belongs to the reptiles because Uncle Monty left his house to his reptiles in his will.

If you ask me, that was quite stupid.

**So, that chapter's over! How was it, you people of the world! Review! Review! Review! **

**Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! If your Jewish, then Happy late Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! And Happy all those holidays in December…goodbye! **

**;)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter eight, people! Yay! Don't you just love number eight? Eh, it's alright to me...**

**Reviewers from chapter 7:**

**JulietInLOVEButNotWithRomeo**

**Nevereel**

**Disclaimer: You don't own ASOUE, I don't own ASOUE, not even my dog owns ASOUE. I'm just kidding. I don't have a dog. So there, few of the many things that I do**_** not **_**own!**

**A Series Of Strange Events:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

**Chapter 8:**

Once the characters reached the front door, a car drove into the driveway and parked. Of course, what else is a car to do in a driveway? Dance?

Anyways, a weird looking man stepped out of the car and approached the people.

"Why, howdy there, stranger!" Mr. Poe greeted in the weirdest way possible for a banker from the suburbs.

"Hello there!" called the stranger, "I am Dr. Lucafont! I hear there has been quite a nasty snake accident here."

"You're *cough hack* here *cough hack* already? *cough hack* We've *cough hack* haven't *cough hack* called!" said Mr. Poe who has suddenly caught a cold in the past seven seconds.

"Well I come from the best doctors in the business..."

Blah blah blah _whatever_! The children aren't even outside! They ran ahead into the house! Remember when Olaf made that hole in the door in chapter six? Yeah they went through_ that_.

***with the entertaining characters of the story***

"911 Emergency what's your emergency?" Duncan said with a fake voice into the phone.

"Stop messing around with the phone, Duncan!" Isadora said while snatching the phone away, "Are we even in America?"

Truthfully, I don't know, and I am 95% sure 911 isn't used outside America, but you can never be too sure...plus the fact that I have no idea where this story takes place. For the time being, just dial 911.

Isadora dialed the number, and after a few seconds, she said, "I'm gonna need the police, detectives, an ambulance and mimes to distract Olaf - whom I am certain is a phony! Yes...yes...k, bye."

"What'd they say?" asked Quigley.

"They said to make room in the driveway," Isadora answered, "  
They're bringing in the _load_."

***after bringing in the_ load_***

The Reptile Room was completly filled with paramedics, detectives, cops, ect, etc, etc...

"Wow," said Klaus admiringly, "this is a really big _loaaaaaaad,"_

Violet frowned at him, "It's not _loaaaaaaad_, it's _load_!"

"Who asked you?" Klaus yelled.

"My face!" she answered.

"Well your face is stupid!"

"Your flippy hair is stupid!"

As they continued with their fight, the others went to go do something not stupid. Quigley went to go check on Stephano. When he came back he said, "Plan's goin' great! Stephano's definetly distracted by the mimes."

Violet and Klaus walked up to the other children.

Why do I keep caling them children? Whatever...

Violet walked into the Reptile Room, her eyes went wide when she saw all the detectives. In the blink of an eye, she was in a Sherlock Holmes cloak holding a magnifying glass, observing the real detectives at work.

"Any reports, detective?" Violet asked professionaly to another detective.

The detective looked at her funny and said, "Well yes. It seems that the Mamba Du Mal snake bit Dr. Montgomery. But it seems highly unlikely that the snake was able to let itself out of the cage. Someone must've let the snake out accidentally or purposely and that's what we're trying to find out."

"Hmm...interesting..." Violet's voice trailed off.

Duncan leaned over to whisper in Quigley's ear, "She's gone a bit mental, don't you think?"

Quigley slowly nodded.

Then Violet turned around and saw..._him_. Which is what she refered to as a really cute guy. She immediatly ran upstairs, changed, and then ran back downstairs and started a conversation with him.

Picture an anime girl with closed eyes, speaking with a high-pictched like sort of voice standing next to him, "Hi, I'm Violet. What's your name?"

"Danny," he said smiling.

"Danny? What a cool name! So what are you up to?" Did I mention she was speaking fast?

"I'm observing my uncle, I want to be a detective one day."

Her eyes became large pink hearts bouncing out of her head.

Quigley's face became red, smoke came out his ears and all that stuff that happens to really angry people.

I couldn't help but laugh at his image.

"WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT MISSY?" he shouts pointing at me. Then he turns to Duncan and continues his screaming rampage, "YOU'RE WRONG, DUNCAN! SHE'S NOT MENTAL, SHE'S INSANE!"

Violet looked at over at him and said, "Gosh, Quigley, calm down. You're going to lure Olaf away from the mimes to over here with your shouting."

Quigley got that little angry sign on his forehead.

Mr. Poe walked into the room with Stephano and Dr. Lucafont.

Just in case you're wondering, Mr. Poe and Dr. Lucafont had gotten distracted by the mimes, which was a bonus. Considering the fact that they were both completely useless to have around.

"What's going on in here?" asked .

"A brand new gum factory!" Klaus exclaimed while pushing the three men out the door, "No adults other than them needed!"

"Why would they make a gum factory here?" asked Dr. Lucafont.

"Because it's no longer needed," Klaus said, "Since Uncle M.'s dead, his colleageus can pursue their dream of gum making! And they need us kids to test it! NOW GO!"

"I do believe you are lying, child," Stephano said, "You have forgotten that this room still contains the many reptiles."

Klaus thought for a second. Then he said, "They're making the gum out of reptiles! NOW GO!"

Klaus pushed them out the door, shut it, and locked it.

"Finally," he said, "Now huddle up! I thought of a plan!"

"Why'd you do that?" Isadora asked, "The detectives will find out that Olaf did it."

"No they won't," Duncan started, "because Olaf is disguised. Who knows how much of his identity he covered up!"

They all started at him with their jaws dropped-surprised he had once again said something reasonable.

Except for Violet and Quigley. Violet was still flirting with Danny and Quigley was spazzing out at the ceiling or whatever.

"Just huddle up anyways!" Klaus exclaimed.

So they all huddled up.

"Whoa, Violet, how did you get all the way over here so fast?" Duncan asked.

"I'm an inventor/detective! I _live_ for these huddling up moments!"

"Why did you bring _him_?" Quigley asked who was suprisingly huddled up also.

"Because he's part of our groupie now!" Violet answered.

"No he's not!" Quigley yelled, "Is _he_ a rich orphan who is trying to run away from an evil villan? I think _not_!"

"Klaus!" Violet exclaimed impatiently, "Tell Quigley that Danny is part of our groupie for the time being!"

"Klaus!" Quigley exclaimed impatiently, "Tell Violet that Danny is _not_ part of our groupie and never will be!"

"Hey!" Klaus yelled, "I just want to tell you people my plan! If he's not on Olaf's side, thats fine with me!"

"Who's Olaf?" Danny asked all confused like.

"No time to explain! Are you a friend or foe?" Duncan said, yelled or whatever. Duncan didn't really like Danny either. His name started with a 'D'. Duncan didn't like having someone else's name start with the same letter as his own. He thought it was stupid.

"Uh, friend," Danny said, still a little a confused.

"He hesitated!" Quigley yelled. I really wish they would stop yelling. Do they want the whole ASOUE world to know they are plotting to reveal Stephano's true identity?

"Shut up, Quigley! I want to tell my plan!" Klaus scolded, "So here it is: Violet, Duncan, and I guess Danny go to Olaf's room and see if you can find any evidence that Stephano is really Count Olaf. Quigley and I will do research on the Mamba Du Mal, just to make sure that the detective that was talking to Volet isn't someone from Olaf's troupe sneaking in."

"But what about Sunny and me?" Isadora asked.

"You two get to stall Dr. Lucafont, Mr. Poe and Stephano."

"Why do I always got to stall?" Isadora whined.

"Because you're good at it, now let's go!"

The characters went their seperate ways. Violet practically dragged along the poor and confused Danny.

**In Olaf's horifyingly messy room...**

"Ok, people! Split up!" Violet ordered.

"What are we looking for, exactly?" Danny asked Violet.

Why did I put Danny in the groupie? Oh well, already done.

"Anything that looks like an eye, I guess. Olaf's obsessed with eyes. Ooo! Try looking for some makeup! It's horrifically obvious that Olaf is wearing makeup to disguise himself as Stephano!"

"Violet and Danny working together to find clues, wait till the _Quagmire Punctillio _hears about that!" Duncan exclaimed while quickly jotting things down in his notebook.

Violet snatched his notebook away. "Do you want to help us get Olaf arrested or not?"

Duncan nodded.

"Then look for clues!"

Duncan jumped into a pile of garbage next to Stephano's bed. A few seconds later, he popped out of the pile and exclaimed, "Hey, I found a picture of us and another of Uncle Monty!"

"Let me see that," Violet said, taking the pictures out of Duncan's hand.

The picture of the Baudelaires and Quagmires was taken three years ago. The picture showed Violet attempting to bite Quigley's head, Isadora and Klaus in the middle of a fight and Duncan trying to get on top of Violet's back. He wanted a piggy back ride. Sunny was, of course, not born yet.

This photograph had little money signs drawn everywhere in a red marker.

The picture of Uncle Monty wasn't that interesting. He was in the middle of talking.

On this photograph, Olaf had written 'Obstacle soon to be crushed'.

"Duncan!" Violet cried out, "This is great evidence! Let's go show the others!"

"Ok," Duncan, agreed, "but I'm keeping the picture of us!"

I am not really going to tell you how Sunny and Isadora-or just Isadora since all Sunny did was garble spit-stalled Mr. Poe, Dr. Lucafont and Stephano.

Klaus and Quigley weren't that much entertaining either. So we're going to skip ahead to where Violet showed Quigley and Klaus what Duncan found. They weren't going to show it to Isadora and Sunny because they were busy stalling.

"Guys! Look what Duncan found!" Violet cried out to her brother and Quigley.

Quigley grabbed the picture and looked at it, "This is great evidence! Along with the information on the Mamba Du Mal!"

Klaus took the picture from Quigley and smiled, "Come on. Let's go get Isadora and Sunny and explain this to Mr. Poe!"

"But Mr. Poe is as much help as garbage!" Duncan pointed out.

"But he's the closet guy in this house that we know of that can get Olaf or Stephano or whatever his name is arrested! Now come on!" Klaus ordered.

They all walked into the livingroom where Sunny was biting Dr. Lucafont's foot and Isadora was rapidly punching Olaf in the stomach while Mr. Poe was eating some unidentified solid that he found in a rerigerator in the basement. Completely different from the one in the attic.

"May I have your attention, please?" Danny surprisingly said. I thought he was too confused to talk.

"We have evidence that this man-," Danny pointed to Dr. Lucafont.

Violet whispered in his ear, "The other one."

"-_this_ man," Danny corrected himself by pointing to Olaf, "is a phony!"

Violet whisperd, "Say his name."

"What's his name?" he whispered back.

"Count Olaf."

"Count Olaf!" Danny exclaimed finally.

"Who is this rodent?" Stephano asked, "Is he a rich orphan that I've never heard of?"

"Tell them what Duncan found, Violet," Klaus said.

"No!" Duncan whined, "I wanna tell them! I found it!"

Klaus sighed, "Fine, Duncan._ You _tell them."

Duncan took the pictures from Klaus and took a deep breath. In a fake deep voice he said, "We were excavating things in Stephano's guest bedroom and I found _this_!"

Duncan held out the pictures to Mr. Poe.

Mr. Poe took the pictures and asked questionably, "You were digging things up in Stephano's room?"

Duncan sighed and said with his fake deep voice, "Yes, indeed. It was quite a disaster in there."

Mr. Poe looked at the pictures and said, "The picture of you children, I understand. You are indeed very wealthy. But I do not understand the picture of Dr. Montgomery, 'Obstacle soon to be crushed'."

"That was the picture that is to be used for his memorial at his office. The writing is simply what he always said," Olaf said.

"Nice save, " Isadora muttered.

"Well one of the detectives told me that the Mamba Du Mal killed Uncle Monty," Violet said, "But Quigley and Klaus found otherwise."

Klaus began speaking, "The Mamba Du Mal is a harmless snake from the Arabian Desert. If it bites anyone, the person is simply stays the same. It is completely impossible for the Mamba Du Mal to harm anyone."

Quigley began speaking also, "So if the detective lied to Violet, then that means he was trying to protect a secret. The only person here in this house I can think of that would want to keep a secret is," Quigley pointed at Stepano/Olaf, "Count Olaf."

"And the doctor's in on it to!" Isadora shouted randomly.

Everyone looked at her.

"What?" she asked. "I can't make accusations? That is just _wrong_!"

"Mr. Banker-Man!" Stephano started, "You don't actually believe these children, do you?"

"He has the tattoo of an eye on his left ankle," Klaus said, "Look at it."

Mr. Poe sighed, "Do you mind, Stephano?"

Stephano frowned. He reluctantly pulled his left pants leg high enough to see his left ankle. It was completely bare.

"Weell that settles it!" said Dr. Lucafont. "We shall all attend to the matters of Dr. Montgomery at the bank! If we all are going to go, may I suggest that the children ride with Stephano and you ride with me, Mr. Poe?"

"I suppose you are correct, Dr. Lucafont," Mr. Poe agreed.

Isadora picked up Sunny walked over to the others,"We can't let them leave us alone with Olaf! He'll get us on the boat to Peru!"

"I wish we had a backup plan!" Quigley complained.

Violet was frantically looking around the room for something that could help them. Her eyes stopped at Olaf's suitcase that he left by the front door.

**Chapter eight you guys! So how'd you like it! I'm scrolling up and down on this Microsoft thing and it looks **_**long**_**.** **But the font on here is a little big, So I don't know. Anyways, review! Bye!**

**;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter...9...? Yeah I think that's it.**

**Duncan: No it's not! It's Chapter Duncan Fun Time!**

**What in the world is Chapter Duncan Fun Time?**

**Duncan: It's a fun chapter about me!**

**About **_**you? **_**Well that sounds hopelessly boring.**

**Duncan: No I'm not! And it's not just about me. We get on roller-coasters, dance in space, jump on heads...**

**Well while Duncan lists all the reasons why his little chapter is stupid, let's cut to the story!**

**People that gave their comment in Chapter eight:**

**Juliet Hummel-Anderson**

**Nevereel**

**xFearlessPurple21x**

**You all get brownies for your niceness :)**

**Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing! Not even the plot because it's basically the same thing...well that's unfair...**

**A Series of Strange Events:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

**Chapter 9:**

During that little accusation monologue, Sunny made her way into the Reptile Room and began playing with The Incredibly Deadly Viper. This smart little baby had a plan.

A horrible bloodcurdling scream was heard back with the rest of the Baudelaires, Quagmires and other unimportant people.

Duncan was the first to respond, "Oh my gosh, it's the Banshee! Someone is going to die!"

"The Banshee?" Mr. Poe asked, "I am an expert Banshee hunter! Let's go check it out!"

Everyone, except for Violet and Danny, followed the sound into the Reptile Room.

"Aw, crap it," Duncan said when he saw it was just Sunny, "I was kinda hopin' a little bit that it was a real banshee and I would get to see one..."

Mr. Poe reacted totally different, "Why is a snake wrapped around Sunny? _Somebody tell me why right now!"_

"Relax," Isadora said, "It's just the Incredibly Deadly Viper, it-"

"-The Incredibly Deadly Viper?" Mr. Poe gasped, "Oh no! Lure the snake away! Kill the snake! Grab the snake! Snatch the baby! Don't touch the baby! Arrest the ghost! Run away! Don't leave them alone! Drink some coke! Send a letter to your mother! Send a letter to _my_ mother! Somebody do something! *cough hack, cough hack*"

"Mr. Poe, you're overreacting," Klaus said, "the Incredibly Deadly Viper-"

"-Just bit Sunny!" Mr. Poe interrupts when he saw the Incredibly Deadly Viper bite Sunny on the chin like it did when they first met, "It bit her! It bit her! Call an ambulance! Call the president! Call the king! Call the emperor! Call the dog! Call Lemony Snicket! Call the brain! Call the game! Call the frog! Call the bog! Call the pizza store! Call the party in the USA! This is terrible! This is horrible! This is phantasmagorical! This is-"

"-_Relax_, Mr. Banker-Man!" Stephano interrupted.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, RELAX?" Mr. Poe screamed at Stephano.

"Relax because the Incredibly Deadly Viper is completely harmless," Stephano answers calmly, "The snake's name is a misnomer that Dr. Montgomery created for his own amusement."

"Are you sure?" Mr. Poe asked, little bit more calm.

"Of course I'm sure," Stephano said with a look on his face that made him look like a creeper. "The snake is perfectly harmless-friendly, even. I read up on the Incredibly Deadly Viper, and many other snakes, in the library section of the Reptile Room as well as Dr. Montgomery's private papers".

Dr. Lucafont cleared his throat and said, "Uh, boss-"

"Don't interrupt me, Dr. Lucafont," Stephano said. "I studied books on all the major species. I looked carefully at sketches and charts. I took careful notes and looked them over each night before I went to sleep. If I may say so, I consider myself to be quite the expert on snakes."

"Aha!" Sunny cried, untangling herself from the snake.

"Sunny!" Mr. Poe cried, "You're undead!"

The children all got a look of question on their face at Mr. Poe's remark.

"Sunny's not a vampire," Duncan said.

"_Aha! _" Sunny cried in a more demanding way so that they would all listen.

"What does she mean by 'Aha'?" Mr. Poe asked stupidly.

Quigley, realizing what Sunny meant, said, "By 'Aha', she means that one minute Stephano claims that he knows nothing about snakes, the next he claims he is an expert!"

"By 'Aha'," Isadora jumped in, "she means that Stephano has been lying to us!"

Klaus, also realizing what was going on, said, "By 'Aha', she means that we've finally exposed his dishonesty to you!"

Then Duncan, who finally caught on at the last minute, said, "By 'Aha', she means '_Aha! _'"

**The End of chapter nine! I'm sorry it's so short and not really funny. I'm going chapter by chapter of the book and already combined two chapters. So if I combined two more, I'd have two extra chapters. :( As for the humor, I had to let the problem get resolved. Other than all that it was good, right? **_**Right**_**? Right...?...right?...**

**Oh, well! Review! And wake up the happiness! It's Christmastime! (I know it's not Christmas, but let's just pretend for the moment :))**

**;)**


	10. Chapter 10

**I know, I know, you hate me..I'm sorry...:( I just got really...whats the right word...engulfed? I'll just use that. I got engulfed-you know I don't think that's how you spell it. Reminds me of a golf ball.**

**Well lets just say that I got caught up in Couplets and all so...yeah...I'm sorry...Forgive? :)**

**Well I only got one review for the last chapter, so:**

**Girl-With-No-Name x-No, you're awesome! :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own my house, my car (not really **_**my**_** car, but you know), my iPod (considering the fact my mom bought it), my room, my computer, my...**

***3 hours later***

**...my posters, my radio that doesn't work anymore because my sister stole the batteries, my floor, my shelf that isn't in my room anymore, my-wait. My bad...I thought everything I don't own in general...well snap. All that time wasted.**

**Anyways, I don't ASOUE, ASOSE, ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, ASOUE characters, OOC ASOSE characters, 0123456789.**

**Well. Doesn't my life stink.**

**Am I tyhe only one who noticed that we haven't heard from Snicket in a while? I wondered what happened to him. I'll go look for him...someday...**

**A Series of Strange Events:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

**Chapter 10:**

Meanwhile- and to quote Daniel Handler..or Lemony Snicket really..._whatever_- back at the ranch, Violet hatched an idea!

No, literally. Well, _sort of _literally. She didn't really know what to do, so I had to write down her instructions on a piece of paper, stuff it in a plastic egg, and toss it to her. It hit her in the head.

Ha, ha.

Following the instructions, she tied her hair in a ribbon, and practically dragged Danny with her up to her room.

"Yeah, Violet, my uncle just called me, I gott go," Danny said, being awkwardly dragged on the floor.

"I can't do this by myself! No! You are going to help me and we're not going to stop trying until Olaf is in PRISON!" Violet yelled. She was a little mad because I hit her in the head with a plastic egg.

When they reached her room, she stood in the doorway for a few seconds, trying to think of a way to pick the lock on Stephano's suitcase. She knew that it held the evidence that she needed.

Her eyes looked all over the room, universe, sky, sun, rainbows, happy little butterflies and then she saw her floorlamp plugged into it's eletric socket.

We all know, of course that you should never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, _ever, _mess with electric stuff. Unless you're Violet Baudelaire.

Does the word 'ever' look weird to you now? It does to me.

"Violet, my uncle's yelling at me, I think I should go."

"Tell him to get slapped by a rabid chicken!"

She undid some stuff and tied it or whatever. I'm not really sure what she did. Her hands were moving pretty fast. I f you read the original book, you should have an ideal picture of what she made. If you didn't...well...I'm sorry.

"There! I'm done!" She exclaimed, pretty proud of herself, "I'll call it The Lucky Lockpick!"

"That's nice, but I really think I should go..." Danny said, his voice trailing.

"No! We're not finished here yet!"

"My uncle has a gun!"

"Well, I have an electrical lockpick!"

"...Yeah, I can't top that..."

Violet dragged him back down the steps, into the livingroom (being careful to hide from Danny's gun-armed uncle), outside to Stephano's suitcase.

Violet shoved her lockpick into the lock, and it fit. She tried to turn it, but it wouldn't budge. It had to move smoothly or it would never work.

Violet handed Danny the lockpick, "Lick it!"

"But I don't want to lick it!"

"I'll be your _best friend_!" she said in a sing song voice.

"Umm..."

"If you don't, your uncle will probably shoot you and I will have to live with the guilt that Olaf never got aressted!"

"That doesn't-never mind." So Danny, reluctantly, licked the lockpick. Violet tried it again.

It still didn't work. Stupid lockpck.

Then I held a lightbulb over her head and it turned on. "I need soap!"

I threw a bar of soap at her head.

"You need to stop throwing things at me, Author-Person! Or I will-"

Yeah, I cut the volume. Because, knowing Violet Baudelaire, she wasn't going to use very nice language. And I want to keep this K+.

Eventually, after a few minutes of Violet's yelling spazzem, she stuffed her lockpick in the in the soap and began banging on the suitcase until it exploded open and everything flew out.

Considering the fact that she didn't have much time to find the evidence, I had to pause the scene around her so that she could search for the evidence she needed.

Everything was horribly scattered.

But she ended up finding a glass vial with a sealed rubber cap on the roof, a syringe with a sharp needle in the backyard of the neighbor's house, a small bunch of folded papers in Lake Lacrymose (or however you spell it), a card laminated in plastic tangled in her hair, and a powder puff and small hand mirror in China that got lost when it flew out of Stephano's suitcase.

When I unpaused the people around her, she was urprised that she had even _less_ time. She found out that I fast fowarded it a little bit while she was in China. She chased me into the Reptile Room, but then we realized we weren't supposed to be in there yet, so we quietly tip-toed back outside.

For her punishment for chasing me around and almost messing up everything in the Reptile Room scene with the other people, I made her sit down and try to figure hoiw all the evidence fit.

I had to pause the scene around her again because she couldn't figure it out. After what would normally be two hours, a ghost held a lightbulb over her head that turned on so bright, I thought it was the light that ghosts have to go into.

So did the ghost, so he was pretty surprised when he saw it was just a lightbulb.

"I got it!" Violet exclaimed.

I happily unpaused the scene so that we could go show the others in the Reptile Room.

**Sorry about the small number of dialouge and humor, I didn't have any ideas or anything, so...yeah.**

**And don't worry about the ghost. I sent him to Melinda Gordon from Ghost Whisperer and she sent him to the light. :)**

**I'm tired! And it's only 4:00...welll...review!**

**Bye!**

**;)**


	11. Chapter 11

***At the stand in court* So in my defense...I did not upload for my brain had exploded out from ASOUE and into Harry Potter. **

**I'm sorry! It's just that, last week was spring break and I was totally lazy and my mind was FULL-ON Harry Potter Mode...so...I'm sorry...**

**Am I forgiven?**

**I loves you!**

**And awesome reviewers from the last chapter!:**

**SVUProductions**

**sockmonkey2000**

**And ****sockmonkey2000 recently review for chapter 5, so thank you for that too!**

**Reviews are so amazing, they really make my day. :) I'm pretty sure every author says that, but it's true. :)**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ASOUE. STOP THE PESTERING.**

**A Series of Strange Events:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

**Chapter 11:**

Meanwhile, with the characters in the Reptile Room, it is just after it is explained what Sunny meant by 'Aha!' and everyone is staring at Stephano. Sunny looked triumphant. Klaus looked smart. Isadora looked excited. Quigley looked defiant. Duncan looked proud. Mr. Poe looked furious. Dr. Lucafont looked worried. The Incredibly Deadly Viper looked...the way it always does.

Stephano looked back at everyone, his eyes blinking really fast. He, basically, looked like an ugly fairy. I think that's the face he puts on when he's trying to make decisions. And at that moment, he was trying to decide whether he should come clean, or keep on keepin' on...with lying, I mean.

"*Cough* Stephano," said Mr. Poe, "*Cough* Stephano *Cough* explain *Cough* youreslf *Cough*. "

"What is there to explain?" said Stephano, trying to keep away from admitting he's Count Olaf.

"Oh, you know what there is to explain!" exclaimed Isadora, "You just told us that you are an expert on snakes. But, previously, you said that you know nothing of snakes!"

"When I said that, I was being _modest_," said Stephano. I can't wait to start calling him Olaf again.

"Modest, shmodest!" Quigley Quagmire yelled, "You weren't being modest, you were lying! I heard you! And you were using a lying tone! Why? Because you're a murderer! Why? Because you're Count Olaf! And I'm not lying! Why? Because I stink at lying! You hear that world?_I'm Quigley Quagmire and I never lie!"_

Stephano glared at Quigley and said quietly, "You have no evidence of that."

"Yeah we do, you stupid liar!" called a voice from the doorway. It was Violet standing next to me in the doorway, holding her evidence and I was holding a remote that I used to pause the scene in the last chapter. Danny wasn't with us because his uncle caught him and began to scold him. If you listen closely, you can hear his uncle yelling in the background.

"Who's that?" asked Dr. Lucafont, pointing at me.

I'm just the author, don't pay attention to me.

"Oh, ok..." said Dr. Lucafont, taking a step behind Stephano.

Violet walked over to a table and placed her evidence in a line on top of it. First, the glass vile with the sealed rubber cap. Next, the syringe with the sharp needle. Then, the small bunch of folded papers, a card laminated in plastic and the powder puff with the small hand mirror.

"What "Cough* is *Cough* all *Cough* this *Cough* junk *Cough*?" asked Mr. Poe.

"This," Violet said, moving her arms around the air above the evidence, "is _evidence_, not _junk, _that I found in Stephano's suitcase."

"Hey, that's private!" Stephano whined, "That is called tresspassing, and you can get arrested!"

"I'll get arrested when you do!" Violet yelled at him.

"You couldn't have gotten inside his suitcase! I made that lock myself!" protested Dr. Lucafont, "And it's fool-proof!"

"It's fool-proof," Violet said, "but it's not _genius_-proof!"

"Violet!" scolded Mr. Poe, "Nice girls shouldn't know how to do such things!"

"My sister is a ni-wait, no she isn't!" Klaus said, "But either way, she knows how do all sorts of things!"

"Excuse me!" Violet yelled, "I'm talking!"

"Sorry, Violet, please continue," said Mr. Poe.

"Basically, after Uncle M. died, my friends, siblings and I got, what's the word? _Suspicious_."

"No we weren't!" argued Isadora, "We were _positive_that Stephano killed him!"

"Isadora! I am talking!"

"Sorry..."

"If I may cut in," said Dr. Lucafont, "As you all know, Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's death was an accident. The Mamba du Mal escaped from it's cage and bit him. That's all there is to it."

"_Are you calling me a liar_?" Violet yelled, and she tackled him to the ground.

Violet! You're supposed to be the one explaining!

I snapped my fingers and they were both back where they were standing before.

Now, Violet, _explain._

"Fine... Anyways, Klaus looked up on how the Mamba du Mal kills people. And the trtuh is, it doesn't. It is completely harmless. Although a detective told me that the Mamba du Mal bit Uncle Monty, he couldn't have known unless a doctor told him. Why? Because _detectives don't perform autopsies_. Since Dr. Lucafont is the only doctor here, I believe that he told the detective the lie about the snake bite and I also believe that Dr. Lucafont is in on it too!"

"I agree!" yelled Isadora.

"I object!" yelled Dr. Lucafont, "So what if the Mamba du Mal isn't poisenous? Maybe it's half rattlesnake!"

"That's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard!" Duncan exclaimed, "And thats saying something because _I'm_ the dumb one in this story!"

"Actually, Dr. Lucafont," said Violet, ignoring Duncan, "it's more likely that Uncle Monty was killed with these items."

Violet held up the glass vial with the seal rubber cap on it. "This vial is labeled 'Deadly Venom - Do Not Touch'. It must be from one of Uncle Monty's venom samples."

Violet held up the syringe with the sharp needle. "Stephano-Olaf- took this syringe and injected the venom into Uncle Monty. Then he poked an extra hole so that it would look like the snake had bitten him."

"But, I would never do such a horrid thing! I couldn't hurt a fly!" protested Stephano.

Violet ignored Stephano's stupid, obviously fake lie and continued talking, "When I turn eighteen, as we all know, I will inherit the Baudelaire fortune left behind by my parents. And the same thing a year later for the Quagmires and their fortune. Stephano wants these two fortunes for himself. It would be easier if we were in a location that was more difficult trace, such as Peru."

Violet held up the small bunch of folded papers. "These are tickets for the _Prospero,_leaving Hazy Harbor at five o'clock today. That's where Stephano was going to take us before we - and when I say we, I mean me and maybe Duncan - hotwired Uncle Monty's car. And that's were you came in Mr. Poe."

Duncan looked confused, "But we saw Uncle M. tear up Stephano's ticket."

"Thats true." Violet said, "And that's why Stephano had to get Uncle Monty out of the way. He killed Uncle Monty and took this laminated card. It's Uncle Monty's membership card for the Herpetological Society. Stephano planned to pose as Uncle Monty to get on board the _Prospero_, and whisk us away to Peru."

"But I don't understand," said Mr. Poe, "How did Stephano know about your fortunes?"

"Are you kidding me?" Quigley shouted. "It's because he is actually Count Olaf! How many times do we have to tell you?"

"A lot apparently," Klaus mumbled.

"What Quigley said, Mr. Poe!" Violet yelled, pretty much exhausted with all that talking she had to do, "He may have disguised himself well enough for you not to recognize him, but he still has his tattoo! He just covered it up with this powder puff and hand mirror! I bet if we rub his left ankle with a cloth, we will be able to see his tattoo!"

"Very well then," said Mr. Poe, "Does anyone have a cloth?"

"Not me," said Klaus.

"Not me," said Quigley.

"Not me," said Duncan.

"Not me," said Isadora.

"ASOUE," said Sunny, which probably meant 'Not me'.

"Well," said Dr. Lucafont, "since nobody has a cloth, we might as well forget the whole thing!"

"WHAT?" Violet shoted. "NO WAY! I DID NOT SIT DOWN FOR TWO HOURS WITH THE SCENE PAUSED TO FIGURE THIS CRAPPY EVIDENCE OUT! AND I _DEFINITELY_DID NOT JUST WASTE MY BREATH TRYING TO PROVE TO YOU STUPID ADULTS THAT STEPHANO IS COUNT OLAF! AND YOU THINK THAT WE'RE GOING TO THROW THIS ALL AWAY JUST BECAUSE NO ONE HAS A STUPID CLOTH? NUH-UH, BOY! COUNT OLAF IS ABOUT TO BE UNMASKED! SO MR. POE, GET OUT THAT NASTY HANDKERCHIEF YOU ALWAYS COUGH INTO AND WIPE THAT POWDER OFF COUNT OLAF'S ANKLE!"

Everyone stared at her in shock. No one heard her yell that much since Quigley stuck gum in her hair in the third grade.

"WELL? LET'S GO, MR. POE, WIPE OFF THAT MAKE-UP!"

Mr. Poe slowly gets out his handkerchief and said to Stephano, "Your left ankle, please."

Stephano reluctantly lifted his left ankle and pulled up his pant leg for Mr. Poe to wipe it. His tattoo became clearer and clearer every second.

The children all stared at the creepish eye, and the creepish eye stared back. For the first, and most likely last, time since their parents died, they were happy to see it.

**So there you have it! Olaf has been revealed! Woo! It seems kinda long from this Microsoft thing. *scrolls up and down* **_**Really**_** long...but the font's a little big so you never know until you upload.**

**Sorry if it didn't have much humor. I got really tired while typing this and I**_** really **_**want to go to sleep. Plus I got all the evidence facts from the book, because I couldn't have made it up myself.**

**I hope you like it anyways!**

**Gah, I was going to say something else...what twas it...? (yes the 't' is there on purpose)**

**IMPORTANT: Hey guys, the thirteenth chapter is going to be a random one, so if you have any questions for the ASOUE gang, ask in your review!**

**It can be anything random like: Do you like wooly mammoths? Have you ever tripped while flying? Can you run on a rainbow?**

**Anything really. And you can ask multiple questions, so just throw all your questions out and they give you weird answers. :D**

**No, that wasn't was I was going to say...oh well.**

**Love you!**

**Review!**

**;)**


	12. Chapter 12

**Has it really been a **_**month**_**since since I last uploaded?...I'm pretty mean...It felt like two weeks...I need a buzzer or something to shock me and remind to do stuff and keep shocking me until I do it...gah, I feel so bad...**

**On a happy note, new chapter! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay...**

**No?**

**I'm sorry. :(**

**While I wait for you to forgive me, here is the rest of the author's note!**

**Reviewers from Chapter 11!:**

**Qrox (twice)- I guess so. :) I've got a few things in mind, but I'm going to get hyper off coke or something and see what happens. :) **

**DecidingBetweenJazzAndAlice- Oh my gosh your questions are so random! xD**

**xXxPOMROXMAHSOXGIRL227xXx- Hyper much? xD Randomness is awesome. :D**

**sockmonkeylover2000 (twice)- I apologize for my mistake. :) Aww, now I feel bad! See? Bad feelings come to those who don't upload. :P (What's sisters grimm? :o)**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ASOUE. NOR DO I OWN FANFICTION. IF I DID, ASOUE WOULD BE A LOT HAPPIER AND FUNNIER AND FANFICTION WOULD BE A LOT MORE COLORFUL. I'm talking rainbow anime characters here, people! Let's Go!**

**A Series of Strange Events:**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

**Chapter 12:**

"Woah!" cried out Duncan. "It's even uglier than I remember!"

Mr. Poe made a face, "Yup. That's the eye alright. Ugly as ever. Well, Count Olaf. You are most definetly under arrest."

"And I am most definetly shocked!" said Dr. Lucafont, who pressed his weirdly solid hands on his face.

"As am I," agreed Mr. Poe, grabbing Olaf's arm.

"We're not!" Klaus said, gesturing to his siblings and friends. "We knew it was him all along! Right guys?"

"Yeah, of course we did!" Isadora said.

"Ha ha!" laughed Violet. "Kids are smarter than grown-ups now! Ha ha!"

All the kids began to laugh. Then Duncan called out, "When I first saw him, I thought he was the taco man! I didn't like him."

The laughing stopped and everyone stared at him.

Quigley began shaking his head. "No, Duncan. Just, no."

"Fail!" cried Sunny.

"I think she means, 'Fail'," translated Klaus.

Violet slapped Klaus upside the head. "Nah!"

Guys! Can we please get back on the subject now?

"Ok!" agreed Violet. "Wait-what were we doing?"

Klaus is supposed to be asking about Uncle Monty's real lab assistant.

A lit lightbulb appeared above Klaus's head. "Oh yeah! I wonder what happened to Uncle Monty's real lab assistant...hmmm..."

"Yeah," said Duncan, "Uncle Monty wouldn't have hired Olaf if Uncle Monty's assisstnat hadn't quit."

Everyone stared at him open mouthed.

"What? Just because I'm the dumbest person in this room, doesn't mean that I don't know stuff!"

"Anyways," said Violet, "What _did_ happen to Uncle Monty's assisstant, Olaf?"

Olaf sighed. "I paid some people from Broadway to put him in their next performance of_ Hairspray_. They're rehersing at this very moment." Olaf stared at the children. "But that's the opposite of what I'll do to you children. My plan was a clever, well thought out plan. I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids, and your dumb author too."

That's me!

"Violet, go get the police and tell them to arrest this man!" ordered Mr. Poe.

"Ok," Violet said cheerfully. "HELP! POLICE! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!"

The policemen burst through the doors into the Reptile Room. Violet pointed at Mr. Poe. "He wants to talk to you."

While Mr. Poe explained to the policemen about the Olaf, Danny and his uncle, the detective, walked in. Danny's uncle seemed to be studying Dr. Lucafont very closely. He pulled Dr. Lucafont over and slammed a Wanted poster on the wall. "Is this you?" he demanded.

Dr. Lucafont looked at the poster, at the detecive, at the door, and back again. He bolted for the door. Danny's uncle grabbed his arm and slammed handcuffs on him.

"Wait, what did he do?" Klaus asked.

"He's what the police have been calling the Hook Handed Theif. He's been stealing from pawn shops all over the city for a month now. And now, he's finally been caught," explained the uncle detecive man.

"But he doesn't have any hooks," protested Duncan.

"Oh yes he does," said the detective guy, and he pulled out what was, apparently, Dr. Lucafont's plastic arms. The children gasped.

"I told you!" yelled Isadora. "I told you he was in on it!"

"Glabber-doogen!" cried Sunny.

"Your right, Sunny!" agreed Violet. "He _was_ in Olaf's troupe!"

"And still is!" called out Olaf while he was being pulled away by the police and Mr. Poe, along with the Hook Handed Man, who was being dragged by the detective, followed by Danny. "And I'll be back for your fortune! Even if its the last thing I -" the police slammed the door to the Reptile Room as they continued dragging Olaf and the Hook Handed Man.

"So..."started Quigley started, "what do you guys want to do now?"

"Let's watch the police violently drag away Olaf and the Hook Handed Man to prison!" suggested Klaus.

"Yeah!" they all agreed.

The children ran outside to the front yard and began making making faces at the criminals. After a few minutes, they heard some rustling behind them. They turned around and saw men loading the reptiles in a large truck.

"Wait, what are you doing?" asked Violet?

"In Dr. Montgomery's will, he left his reptiles and research to his cousin, Pete," said the man that was loading he reptiles.

"Well this stinks," said Quigley, "I was thinking how awesome it would be that reptiles got a whole house to theirselves..."

"That's not awesome, that's stupid!" disagreed Isadora.

"You're stupid!"

"Your face is stupid!"

Guys! Look!

The children looked where I pointed and they saw Sunny hugging the Incredibly Deadly Viper goodbye.

"Awww," they all said. Then they all got together for a group hug.

After a few hours of depressing boredom in the livingroom, Mr. Poe came back with chocolate cake to celebrate the imprisonment of Count Olaf and the Hook Handed Man. He really shouldn't have done that.

**There you go! Chapter 12! Gosh, Mr. Poe, did you have to bring them chocolate? Now they're gonna be all hyper in the next chapter. The last chapter. Oh snap, that's sad. I hate finishing stories. One shots are one thing, but stories are something else...it's so sad!**

**Anyways, if you haven't asked a question and you would still like too, ask in your review!**

**Review and tell me what you thought!**

**If I don't upload by next Friday or Saturday, it's because I died, I forgot, or I got lazy. If I were you, though, I'd go with the first option.**

**Bye people of the world!**

**;)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Yes, I know. I am mean. I am a mean horrible author who keeps making people wait their very hearts out. I am VERY SORRY! I am so sorry, I'm not making excuses this time...but can't I just say the stupid AT&T people broke my internet and decided they didn't want to fix it? No? I'm sorry...**

**Reviewers to thank!:**

**SVUProductions**

**JeanetteMiller4eva**

**DecidingBetweenJazzAndAlice**

**qrox**

**and former Sockmonkeyllover2000 who is now JeanetteMiller4eva for reviewing multiple...multiple...multiple times...**

**Seriously, your reviews mean a lot. :)**

**Disclaimer: No, I don't own ASOUE. Now go away...Shoo shoo, fly, don't bother me...**

**The Rebellious Reptiles:**

**Chapter 13:**

**Book 2:**

The children were sitting at the kitchen table with Mr. Poe. They were eating choclate cake-no. No, they weren't eating choclate cake. They started off eating it, but then I said something that probably wasn't the smartest thing to say and they decided to attack me with cake.

But thats okay, because I held up my magical wand and threatened to do something very evil to them if they didn't sit back down in their seats. After a few minutes of frightned silence, the atmosphere went back to normal...well, sort of.

"Get back! Get back you lousy scoundrel!" yelled Duncan while poking Quigley with his fork.

Quigley took his piece of cake and shoved it in Duncan's face. "Who's the scoundrel now, Peter Pan? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Duncan ran crying from the room.

"You two are such babies!" shouted Isadora from the other side of the table.

"Hey!" cried Sunny. But no one listened to her. No one ever listens to her.

Isadora turned to Violet and her eyes went wide. "Violet! Is that my dress?"

Violet looked down. "Hmm? Oh yeah! I didn't have any other clothes to wear, so I snooped through your stuff looking for something to wear. And while I was at it, I found some pie! It was very good." Violet smiled...I don't know why.

Isadora had smoke coming out of her ears and her face was all red. "YOU ATE MY PIE _AND_ STOLE MY DRESS? I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU UNTIL YOU'RE EATEN!" Isadora jumped on Violet and they began to wrestle each other on the floor.

Sunny decided she wanted to be the referee, so she took a whistle out of nowhere and blew into it whenever she wanted.

Quigley and Klaus were just sitting there minding there own business.

Quigley looked at Klaus. "Do you want your cake?"

Klaus stood up on his chair. "OF COURSE I WANT IT! NO ONE EVER CARES WHAT I WANT! MAYBE I WANT A FIRE BREATHING ROLLERCOASTER WITH PICTURES OF TIMBUKTU PAINTED ALL OVER IT! BUT, OF COURSE, NO ONE CARES ABOUT KLAUS BAUDELAIRE!"

"Hey!" exclaimed Quigley, " 'No one cares about Klaus Baudelaire' rhymes! Nice one! High five!"

Klaus did something very violent that day.

Duncan ran in with a large plate of newly caught fish. He jumped up on the table and started doing a disco dance right below a disco ball that came out of nowhere.

Everyone was silent and watched him. After a few seconds, he dumped his plate of fish on Quigley. Quigley pulled Duncan down to the floor and whacked him multiple times in the face with the fish while Klaus was dumping all the choclate he could find on them. Violet and Isadora went back to wrestling and Sunny went back to blowing her whistle. Mr. Poe went back to doing what he was doing this whole entire time. Eating.

Can you picture this scene? Can you hear this scene? Because this place is a mess and its louder than a million girls screaming at the sound of an elephant when Draco Malfoy threw a snake on it.

I walked into the kitchen with a large gong and that thing you hit the gong with. I began beating up the gong with the gong stick thing.

When it got quiet, I lectured everyone on how childish they were and how I couldn't leave them alone in a room for two seconds without having them blasting rockets in each others faces.

Isadora put away her unused rocket.

Then I told everyone to go in the livingroom because it was question time. They all cheered and ran over each other in racecars to get to the livingroom.

When everyone was settled down in the livingroom, which took quite a few minutes, I took out my laptop and began reading questions.

Okay, guys, this one's from DecidingBetweenJazzAndAlice.

"Um, _hello!_" Violet said all weird-like, "What's there to decide? Jasper and Alice are perfect for each other! Ah-Dur!"

"Who made you Queen of Twilight, Miss Pokemon?" Quigley asked, walking by her.

"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?" Violet flipped out.

"Calm down, chica," Klaus said while he was trying to draw the Mona Lisa on his hand with a Magic Marker.

"CALM? I'M PERFECTLY CALM!" Violet yelled in his face.

"Of course you are, Cinderella," Duncan said while sharpening a random sword.

Violet eyed the sword.

DON'T YOU DARE STEAL THAT SWORD, VIOLET! I DON'T WANT YOU CHANGE THE RATING OF THIS STORY BECAUSE OF YOUR IMMATURENESS!

"Yes, ma'am..."

Okay, so, DecidingBetweenJazzAndAlice's first question is for Sunny.

"MWAHAHA GLOOBERS!"

"Translation please," said Isadora.

Klaus sighed. "She said 'Mwahaha on all you stupid ugly monkeys'. Hey now wait a second!"

Shut it Klaus!

"...K."

This person's question is: Why are you one of the coolest yet least mentioned sharp-toothed gibberish-talking baby in the galaxy, universe and everything else I'm not educated enough to know about?

"Well, a doober honk la howdy hay boom boom pow pikachu can fly three to three la doo da day iki kailan," Sunny said while gesturing widly with her hands.

She said because she's utterly amazing and all the people of the world are to stupid to appreciate sharing the same planet with her. But that's okay, because one day she will dominate the world and eliminate horrifically dumb people and she will spare your life because you have not failed to notice her awesomeness.

"Hey," Isadora said, "if Sunny's going to kill all the dumb people, do you think she'll kill Duncan first?"

"Hey!"

I don't think talking about murder is fit for a K+ story.

"Sure it is!" Klaus exclaimed, "They talked about it in Pippi Longstocking!"

Are you sure...? Never mind. Anyway, her next question is for Klaus and it is: BOOKS RULE THE WORLD! Did you read all of the Harry Potter books in one month? I did. I was about eight years old (No joke!).

Klaus began to freak out in the strangest way possible. "Oh My Gosh! No way! Me too! And books so _do_ rule the world!"

Mr. Poe crossed his arms and glared at the children. "Harry Potter is stupid, lame, and not appropriate for you children."

"GASP! GET OUT OF THIS STORY!" yelled everyone, including me.

"Get him out of here! I don't want to look at him!" Isadora yelled.

Mr. Poe, I want you to go sit outside and think about what you just said.

Mr. Poe pouted and left.

DecidingBetweenJazzAndAlice has a comment for Duncan and it's: We weirdos aren't random. We think faster than normal people. ;)

"Exactly!" Duncan exclaimed. "Finally someone understands me!"

Klaus and Duncan are now staring at my computer screen in awe. I think you may have some admirers DecidingBetweenJazzAndAlice.

"WHAT?" Isadora yelled.

NEXT QUESTION!

Oh, okay she has more questions that I forgot about...okay this one is for Isadora! The question is: Would you rather make out with Klaus or Liam Aiken? Give a VERY detailed answer!

"Well," Isadora started, "Klaus _is_ my boyfriend, but-"

"Really?" asked Duncan, "Since when?"

Shut up, Duncan.

"As I was saying," Isadora continued, "Klaus _is_ my boyfriend, but we've made out lots of times-"

Really?

"YES!" she yelled. "_Anyways_, since we've made out a lot, I'd rather try Liam Aiken because that guy is _SUPER HOT!_"

"EXCUSE ME?" Klaus yelled. You know how anime character looked like when they get really mad? Yeah, that's what Klaus looks like.

"FOR _REAL!_ I AM GOING TO MARRY THAT MAN!" Violet agreed.

"WHAT?" Quigley yelled.

You know what Klaus looks like? Yeah, Qiugley looks like him now.

"What are you trying to say Isadora?" Klaus asked loudly.

"Dude, she's not saying much," Duncan said, strumming a random guitar, "I mean, you and Liam Aiken look _a lot _alike."

"Really?" Klaus asked, smiling and fixing his hair.

OKAY NEXT QUESTION! This question is from the same person and the question is for Quigley and the questions are: Why did Isadora block all brain cells from reaching you and Duncan before you were born? What is the weirdest thing you ever saw lying on the road?

"Because Isadora is a horrible evil maniac who hates to share! Wait a second, are you calling me stupid?"

Kinda.

"For your information," Quigley started, "I-"

Just answer the second question.

"Fine..." he agreed. "The weirdest thing I have ever seen lying on the road was Duncan. He was in snowman pajamas and he was playing with his ping pong paddle and his ping pong ball kept hitting him in the face. It was hilarious!"

Her last question is for Violet and it's: Have you ever bitten off a turtle's left leg while doing the mexican hat dance and rapping?

Violet's eyes widened. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

Really? You have? What happened?

"Well," Violet started, "It was a turtle cookie at a mexican restaurant. It was my birthday and the waiter people gave me a mexican hat! Then my phone went off and my ringtone is Eminem! So after I ended the call, I began rapping the Eminem song on my phone while btiting the leg off my turtle cookie!"

Very...interesting... Anyways, the next person who is asking questions is xXxPOMROXMAHSOXGIRL227xXx and her first question is for Klaus. The question is: Klaus... ARE YOU GONNA DATE FIONA OR ISADORA? ANSWER ME! I MUST KNOW SO THAT I'LL KNOW WHICH TO BE A FAN OF! GRRRR!

"Fiona?" Isadora shouted. "Who is this _Fiona?" _

She's this chick that comes in the eleventh book. She gives Klaus his first kiss and then betrays him. Plus, she's way too old for him.

"Hi everyone! I'm Fiona!" said a girl with triangle glasses who decided to randomly step into my random story of randomness.

"YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND YOU DISTURBING PIECE OF CARBORATOR!" Isadora then tackled Fiona to the ground.

Watching Isadora bringing out the lion in her on Fiona, Klaus said, "I'm going to have to say Isadora..."

Isadora jumped up. "HAH! I WIN!"

Fiona ran screaming from the house. "YOU'RE ALL FREAKS!"

"SO WE'VE BEEN TOLD!" Duncan yelled to her, but I'm prettty sure she didn't hear.

NEXT QUESTION! This one is still from xXxPOMROXMAHSOXGIRL227xXx and it's for Violet. She wants to know where you got your ribbon.

"My fairy godmother," Violet answered innocently.

O...kay...I surprisingly don't want to know...

Anyways...the chica's questions for everyone are: Do you guys watch Invader Zim? What about Penguins of Madagascar? Phineas and Ferb? Have any of you made out with your pillow before? Have any of you been depressed? If so, how did you stop yourself from being depressed?

Duncan began jumping around the room. "I LOVE INVADER ZIM! GIR IS THE BEST!"

"Invader Zim? Eww! It's all about the penguins!" Violet argued.

"Are you kidding me?" Klaus yelled "Phineas and Ferb beats all!"

Sunny drew Gir on the wall.

And as for the snog session with the pillow...?

"OOO! KLAUS HAS!" Duncan shouted.

"Shut up, Duncan! Not everyone needs to know!" Klaus shouted.

Violet raised her eyebrows. "You snogged a pillow? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"He sure did!" Duncan answered, putting his arm around Klaus.

Klaus pushed Duncan's arm off.

"Wait, how do you know?" asked Quigley.

"I was teaching him how to kiss girls, and his pillow was his practice dummy."

"DUDE! STOP TALKING!"

"Why didn't you practice on me?" Isadora asked, pulling him in for a snog-fest. I kicked them out of the room because what they ended up doing was definetly _not_ rated K+.

And as for the depression...?

Duncan began singing, "_I'm malicious, mean and scary  
My sneer could curdle dairy  
And violence-wise, my hands are not the cleanest_

_But despite my evil look_  
_And my temper and my hook_  
_I've always yearned to be a concert pianist!"_

"Dude! She said 'depression'! How'd you get the song 'I've Got a Dream' from that?" Quigley asked all frustrated like.

"I get confused sometimes..." Duncan mumbled.

I don't think any of them have ever been depressed.

"What shama llama?" asked Sunny, which probably meant 'What about me?'.

"No one cares," Violet said.

Sunny attacked Violet.

Well those were all the questions I found so I'm afraid we're going to have to end the story. Sadness.

Mr. Poe walked in. "Hey kids! I got a text message from a relative who is willing to take in all of you children! Her name is Josephine and she lives by Lake Lachrymose. Come on children! Your things are in the car! It's a long drive. Let's go!

All the children groaned, even Kladora, who decided to walk in that moment.

***In the car driving away***

"You know what I don't get?" Violet asked. "This story was called The Rebellious Reptiles when the reptiles did nothing in this story! WHAT ABOUT ALL THE CRAP WE DID TO MAKE THIS STORY HAPPEN? AND MORE IMPOTANTLY, WHAT ABOUT ME? I CAME UP WITH THE PLAN TO GET DUNCAN BACK IN CHAPTER 5! It failed miserably...BUT I CAME UP WITH IT! AND I SPENT ALL THAT TIME FIGURING OUT OLAF'S SCHME AND PUTTING TOGETHER ALL THE EVIDENCE! WHERE'S MY CREDIT? HUH?"

Okay. I'll go back and rename the story The Verocious Violet.

"Really?"

No.

Snicket: YES! I HAVE SECRETLY FINISHED THE REAL STORY OF THE SECOND BOOK!

Uh, we're still in the middle of the story here, Snicket.

"Yeah, shoo, fly," Klaus said.

Snicket: WHO CARES? I FINISHED THE REAL VERSION!

Yes, but which version is funnier?

Snicket:...Yours...

And whose version should go on the internet?

Snicket:...Yours...

Smart boy.

"You know, author person," Klaus said, "this car is horribly crowded! Its a car for five people and it has Mr. Poe, the Quagmires, my sisters, me, you, and Mr. Snicket. That's nine people!"

You're right, Klaus!

I snapped my fingers and Mr. Poe was suddenly driving a white limo.

Mwahahahahahaha!

"You know what would make this awesome?" Isadora asked.

"What?" Quigley asked.

"An awesome song!" Isadora exclaimed.

You got it!

I snapped my fingers and Cody Simpson appeared!

"Uh..." he said.

"You're in a parody of A Series of Unfortunate Events. Just go with it," Mr. Poe said.

Take us away Cody Simpson!

Cody shrugged and began singing,

"_You're like my favorite song  
On the radio, radio, radio, radio  
I could listen to you all day  
You're like a music video, video vi-vi-video  
I could look at you all day  
You make do my two-step all day  
You keep me lookin' fly for ya all day  
So you should be my girlfriend all day  
We're like a hit on my radio, radio _

_Singing to this song all day-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay  
Day-ay-ay-ay  
Singing to this song All day-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay  
Day-ay-ay-ay_..."

_Music fades out as limo drives farther into the night._

**THE END**

**Wow...it's over...so you like? :D Sorry about Cody Simpson at the end. I was listening to his song All Day the whole time I was typing this. I just had to put it there. I'm sad now...**

**Welp. Now I gotta go buy The Wide Window. But not now. Its 2:48 AM. I was going to type Couplets tonight, but never mind.**

**That Harry Potter thing up there, just setting it straight that I do not think Harry Potter is stupid or lame or unappropriate. I am in love with the Harry Potter series. :D And if you look at my picture, you see Harry, Hermione, and Ron! Yay! I just now changed it. :D**

**And yeah, AT&T broke my internet because my parents bought their t.v. thing. We don't have it anymore. It was crappy. We have Charter now. I miss DirectTV, though.**

**So I guess we have all learned something from this story...wait a second, no we didn't! Oh, well too bad :D **

**Until next time my friends! Bye!**

**;)**


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